


The Hardest Choice (Is the one we should never have to make)

by Zeyra



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Thor (Marvel), Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Steve Dies, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve acts like a jerk but isn't a jerk, Suicidal Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, they all love each other, trigger warning : abuse, trigger warning : anorexia (sort of), trigger warning : suicidal behavior
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-07 14:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 31,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14673099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeyra/pseuds/Zeyra
Summary: Tony and Steve loved each other. There were no questions about it. Even when they disagreed, even when they woke the other up in the middle of the night with their nightmares, even when they had to battle their demons, even when they lost. Through it all, there was always one constant : Steve and Tony loved each other.Despite being the “star spangled man with a plan” there was one thing Steve never, ever planned : Bucky's return.Yet here he was. Just standing there. Steve could not believe it.“Bucky ?”And then the world came crashing down.“Who the hell is Bucky ?”





	1. The Undeniable

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone... Hi ^^ 
> 
> It's my first fanfiction on here, so be kind, please.  
> Now, about that story... Well the three main characters are Bucky Tony and Steve.  
> I know most people hate captain america. Well I don't, but I must warn you, he will act like a jerk in most of this story ( SPOILER it gets better at the end). Bucky... Well it's complicated, I am still figuring it out. He will struggle with the winter soldier. A little or a lot ? I don't know yet. Tony in this story is selfless and caring, but defensive, and his trust is shattered.  
> The three will end up dating (each other, yup a threesome) but I don't write sex or smut or whatever, so if you came for that... Sorry ^^" 
> 
> Ok have a good time reading my story, I'll post the next chapter next week, or sooner if I get a lot of positive feedback ! (if I don't I will have to rework on it coz come on I'm not gonna publish trash)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter edited (to add more feels from Steve coz everyone apparently hates him and that's not okay)

Tony and Steve loved each other. There was no questions about it. Even when they disagreed on things, even when they woke the other up in the middle of the night with their nightmares, even when they had to battle their demons, even when they lost. Through it all, there was always one constant : Steve and Tony loved each other. 

Sometimes, Steve wondered if the genius loved Steve or Captain America, and if he wasn't just another trophy for Tony. However, he quickly dismissed the thought. It didn't matter anyway, he loved Tony. If the inventor only loved one side of him back, it was alright, it was already more than nothing. 

They still loved each other.

 

Despite being the “star spangled man with a plan” there was one thing Steve never, ever planned : Bucky's return.

And yet here he was. Just standing there. Steve could not believe it.

“Bucky ?”

And then the world came crashing down.

“Who the hell is Bucky ?”

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

“Tony ! We need to help him ! I know you can invent the technology to erase all the brainwashing !” Steve pleaded.

Tony sat on one of his table in his workshop, arms crossed and brow furrowed. He was worried, Steve could see it. Gently, the super soldier took the inventor in his arms and pressed a kiss on his neck. “I love you, Tony. Please. Bucky is important to me.”

Tony had sighed and smiled. "Anything for you, Cap" 

Steve had smiled back. Of course this amazing man would help him, even if curing Bucky seemed impossible. Tony was perfect.

Two weeks later, Tony had invented the first unbrainwashing device in history, and the Winter Soldier was dragged out of his cell to a cold, securised medical room. 

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

The treatment lasted a month.

During that month, some things changed, and it almost looked like something disappeared during that time. Tony's world was slowly losing its colors.

During that month, Steve refused to step away from the one sidded glass of the medical room, where Bucky sat on a chair, under a weird machine he could not begin to understand, but he knew he could trust it to cure Bucky, because Tony made it.

During that month, Tony made sure to check on his lover as often as he could. The other side of the bed was cold at night, and his nightmares came back, but the genius noticed how the lights behind Steve's eyes shined brighter than he had ever seen it. 

During that month, Steve realized that he had to make a choice. He and Bucky had been dating for years before Bucky fell. And now Steve had finally found it in himself to fall inlove again, even though his love for Bucky never died. However loving two men had never been a problem before now, because when Steve thought Bucky was dead, he could love him as a memory, and move on slowly with Tony, letting the genius heal the scars of the past. Now ? He loved two men, and he had to choose which one he wanted, and quick, before Bucky woke up. If Bucky woke up, and Steve still hadn't made his choice, then Captain America would find himself dating two men at the same time, and he would lose both of his loves. He would lose everything.

On one side, there was Bucky, his charming and overprotective personality, his sweet smiles and courage. There was the broken man from the past who needed him to help him get up and live again in a world that wasn't their own.

One the other side, there was Tony. His charismatic mask that hid a caring but scarred heart and a mind more brilliant than anyone could imagine. There was the man who dared show him his true self and trusted him more than he trusted anyone. 

On both sides, there was a man who needed him to love them and be there for them, but Steve could not choose both.

Of all the choices that Steve had to make in his life, this was undeniably the hardest.


	2. There is no other way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey stevie ! I have a good new and a bad new. Which one first ?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys ! There are already 256 hits and 18 kudos on this fic as I am writing this, and this is so crazy ! So I decided to post a new chapter to thank you.  
> A special thanks to DreadfulWitch (I love your profil pic) and SilverNovaHeals (you don't have any profil pic...) for being the first ones to comment on my fanfic !  
> I would like to thank Every_Fandom_Trash too, she is the one who motivated me to write this fanfic, and she will most certainly be the reason I finish it, so everyone go on her profile and read her fanfics, she's awesome !
> 
> PS : Chapter edited because too many people hate on Steve and that's not okay, he is human, guys.

Tony entered the room where Steve had lived for the past twenty days. All the super soldier did these days was stare at Bucky Barnes. Tony would have considered it creepy if he didn't know how inseparable those two used to be. Of course, he knew the relationship between him and Captain America would never be the same after Bucky's return, but he also knew that he and Steve loved each other, no matter what and through it all. 

“Hey stevie ! I have a good new and a bad new. Which one first ?”

“Bad.” Answered Steve, looking bored. Tony frowned, wondering what was wrong, but decided to ignore it. 

“Ok, so the cure will last longer than expected...” The inventor really hoped Steve wouldn't take it badly. 

“hm.” Tony's frown deepened at the short answer. Was he really being that boring ? 

“But the good new is that we are making progress, and the doctors are confident that Bucky will be able to recover completely !”

Steve's face suddenly lit up, but still he didn't even turn to look at his boyfriend. 

“So I will get my Bucky back ?” He asked, hopeful, still staring at Barnes through the one-sided glass. 

But the genius was no longer watching him, instead, he was lost in thoughts. 'My' ? 'My Bucky'..? He fought back the sudden wave of jealousy. No, it wasn't like that, they were just best friends. Steve had said so. 

Tony stood there for a few seconds, and then left the room, stopping at the door to say "I love you"

He waited a few seconds for an answer than never came.

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

As soon as his boyfriend left the room, Steve let out a sorrowful sigh. He had wanted to say 'I love you' back. It was at the edge of his mouth, his lips already forming the first word. But he couldn't. He didn't have that right anymore. 

“There is no other way” He murmured to himself, and his heart ached. 

His choice was made. Steve decided to choose Bucky. They had been together for years, while his relationship with Tony had only started a few months ago. Bucky knew everything about Steve's weaknesses and he still loved him, even before the superserum, while Steve could never know for sure if all Tony saw in him wasn't only Captain America. Plus, Tony was a playboy, he would be alright, Steve was pretty sure Tony never loved him anyway. (And if that was a lie he told himself to make himself feel better about his choice, that was no one's buisness but his)

Yeah, Tony would be alright. He had broke up with other people before. The genius would probably be sad for a few months, but eventually he would heal, the other avengers would help him, Rhodey would help him. Tony was going to be alright.

Bucky was going to wake up in a new world, a world that hates him for things he hasn't done and probably won't even remember doing. Bucky was going to need him from the moment he opened his eyes again. 

He stood up from the uncomfortable chair he had been sitting in for days, and walked to the glass, putting one hand on it and watching the doctors read the machine's screen, which was out of view. Now he had to break up with Tony, and make sure Tony believed Steve didn't love him anymore. But Steve was worried that if the genius discovered that he left him for Bucky, Tony would take it out on Barnes, who would once again be hated for something that wasn't his fault.

So Steve did what he did the best : he made a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and leave kudos, you don't know how much it means to me unless you're a writer yourself ^^


	3. I will be so fucking rude.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because I loved your father. It was always him. Never you. I never loved you, Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (and actually the entire story) has been originally inspired by this music video : 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEhCHVXm-Sc
> 
> You should check it out, though don't worry, I repeat, my fic ends well. But this music video.. It's so heartbreaking ! I just love it. Sometimes I watch it on loop because the feels are so intense and I am so addicted to them that I can't. look. away. Oh, that'd make a good title for.. I don't know yet XD 
> 
> As I write this, there are 471 hits, 29 kudos, and 11 comments on this fanfic. I can't even describe how happy I am to see this ! Thank you ! Thank you so much !
> 
> Oh and I have an announcement to make in the end notes, if you would be so kind and read them too... :)

Steve's plan was easy.

“I never wanted you” The super soldier heard himself spit. “You're just a playboy who wanted to add Captain America on his list !” 

“Come on Steve... You know that's not true ! I love you !” Came the broken answer from Tony.

'I know !' Steve screamed inside, wanting to cry. But for once, he was the one wearing the mask of iron. Bucky needed him. Tony was going to be just fine. Right ?

“No, you know what, I have had enough of you. I thought I could make you better, but you look at you !” Steve pointed to the bottle Tony had just grabbed from the bar, and held in his shaking hands. “How many bottles a day, uh ?”

“N-none. You're just upsetting me Steve... Why are you saying all this ? Is something wrong ?” 

Steve could see how hard Tony was trying to avoid the argument.

“Yes !” The blond screamed, making Tony flinch.

'Oh god, he is afraid of me' Thought Steve, feeling his heart breaking painfully.

“W-what is it ?”

“YOU !” Tony took a few steps back, dropping the bottle, letting it shatter on the floor. Steve forced himself to take a few steps forward. “YOU WERE ALWAYS THE PROBLEM ! I NEVER WANTED TO DATE YOU !”

“Then why did you ?” Asked Tony, and Steve hated how the inventor's voice was so small and stranggled. But what he hated even more, was the answer he was about to give him. It made him feel nauseous.

“Because I loved your father. It was always him. Never you. I never loved you, Tony.”

The genius closed his eyes for a few seconds then, and when he reopenned them, there was anger burning inside of them, like a wildfire.

“What does he have that I don't ?” The inventor growled. 

It was Steve's turn to take a step back, scared that Tony was talking about Bucky. Tony took a step forward. 

“ANSWER ME ! WHAT DID MY DAD HAVE THAT MADE HIM SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME IN CAPTAIN AMERICA'S EYES ?!”

But Steve didn't know what to say. Howard wasn't better than Tony, it was the other way around. It was obvious. So that's what he said.

“The answer is obvious, Tony.”

And then he left. Because there was no answer, except the one he couldn't give : Howard had nothing that Tony hasn't, and Tony had everything and more. Tony was perfect in his own way, Tony was one half of Steve's heart, Bucky being the other half. And Steve had just broke both Tony's and his own heart with his plan.

As he came back to his former bedroom, the one he had abandonned to settle in Tony's room instead, Steve could feel hot tears streaming down his face, and his heart hurt everytime he breathed. As if simply being alive pained him. And if Steve was being honest to himself for once, it actually did.

This should have been an easy plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ! Who stuck around ? Thank you for reading this ! :D 
> 
> Next chapter's title is : Wrong Time
> 
> So I wanted to tell you that from now on I will announce the next chapter's title in the end notes and I will probably post everyday around the same hour as right nowe, and that (WARNING FROM NOW ON ALL THIS IS A RANT OF PURE SPOILERS) the avengers will show up in chapter 7. I know, it's a long time to wait, but I swear it's worth it, coz, you know, so much angst. 
> 
> I also got a lot of comments about how Steve was being a total jerk to Tony and how they hoped he wouldn't get away with it so easily. Do not worry, dear readers,(ialmostwrotedeadreadersandisn'tthatsotrueafterinfinitywar)  
> Steve is going to pay. But not in the "Steve gets beat up by some bad guy" way coz that's just cruel and i don't see the point. No, I believe Steve is very much able to realize his mistakes... sometimes. Anyway he can, and he will, here. And he will regret it deeply and try to redeem himself, etc, etc.  
> Oh and Bucky won't be "Steve's Bucky" when he wakes up. He will be... Someone else, well.. I don't know how to explain, chapter.. 5 I think ? Deals with that. And chapter 9 proves it too.  
> I will also explore the possibility of Steve having suicidal tendencies/behavior. After all, I don't have to remind any of you of how he got frozen for 70 years.
> 
> Yeah Chap 9 will be a really important one and im ranting sorry.


	4. Wrong Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here he was, Tony Stark, behind the one-sidded glass, refusing to let his ex-boyfriend's BFF wake up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ! I read all your comments, but since I was at school I didn't have time to answer, I'm sorry ! Thank you all though ! I love you and I'm really happy to see the same people commenting chapter after chapter. 
> 
> This chapter is not much, I tried to add some humour because heavy angst if very cool and addictive but you gotta breathe to go even deeper x)

Tony sat on the uncomfortable chair on the other side of the one-sidded glass, watching Bucky.

It had been 92 days since they started getting the Winter Soldier out of Bucky's head.

It had been 70 days since Steve had broke up with him. 70 days of heartbreak, 70 nights spents crying into his pillow and waking up from horrifying nightmares. 70 days spent hoping that Steve would reach out, appologize, ask to be forgiven (and Tony would probably forgive him, because he loves him). 70 nights spent trying to convince himself that the next day he will wake up to a sleeping super soldier, discovering that this nightmare was just a dream. 69 mornings revealing the ugly truth : this is real, this Tony's life now.

And on top of that, the only week on which Steve had been called on a mission he could not refuse, also happened to be the week that Bucky decided to wake up. 

It was a slow process of course, but it had started a few hours after Steve's departure, and Tony had immediately been informed of the new progress. The doctors had estimated that Bucky would open his eyes on Thursday, two days later. 

So here he was, Tony Stark, behind the one-sidded glass, refusing to let his ex-boyfriend's BFF wake up alone.

A doctor entered the room and said quietly : “He is waking up, sir.”

Tony nodded and stood up, not even bothering to grab a gauntlet or any weapon on the way to Bucky's room. If the Winter Soldier woke up and killed him, it didn't really matter, no one would miss him. Not anymore.

Tony took a seat on the chair that had been put next to the bed, and sighed. Seriously, Bucky had to choose the ONLY week when Steve wasn't available. And now he was stuck here, waiting for...

“Howard ?” 

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

The first thing Bucky heard was a sigh. It wasn't a sigh of contentment, though. It was a tired, sorrowfull sigh. One of the ones only broken men knew how to make. His first thought was a confused desire of holding that man into his arms and comfort him. His second thought was about Steve. Was he alright ? That punk better have survived, or Bucky would him bring back from the dead just to kill him again. Slowly, Bucky opened his eyes, find himself staring at the ceiling of what seemed to be a strange hospital room. There was a weird machine hanging from the ceiling. Bucky hoped no one had made more experiments on him, the only thought of it making him shiver. That's only then that he registered that he felt no pain. Not even a headache... And... Didn't he lose his arm ? Without moving his head, he glanced at his left arm. It was made of metal. How cool. He didn't know doctors could do that.

Wait. Doctors could definitely not do that, he would have known. 

Bucky then glanced at his right, and there, sitting next to his bed but turning his back on him, sat Howard Stark. Of course. The man must have invented some sort of new prosthetic made of metal. He was a genius. But something looked.. Wrong. The man next to him was Howard... But not quite. Was it an hallucination ?

“Howard ?”

The man startled and turned to face him, eyes open wide in fear for a short moment.

And that was not Howard. 

Bucky frowned. 

“Who are you ?” He asked in a soft voice, feeling like this man was terrified and ready to flee the room at any moment. And that wouldn't do because Bucky needed answers.

The Howard look alike man stared at him with his big chocolate brown eyes, and asked :

“What is the year, Barnes ?”

“You didn't answer my question. Who are you ?” The soldier insisted. Something was wrong. He could feel it. Something was so, so very wrong here.

“I am Tony. Tell me, when are we ?”

“We're in 1945. Right ? Or was I in a coma ? Is it the 50s now already ?”

The man looked away awkwardly and mumbled something Bucky couldn't pick up.

“What ?”

“I said : we're in 2014, old man”

Bucky laughed as he sat on his bed. He felt strangely fine considering he just woke up in a hospital. “So you're a joker ? Bucky Barnes, by the way.” He said, extending his right hand towards the man, who took it.

“Tony Stark. I took the liberty to make you a better arm while you were sleeping. Oh, and it's not a joke. Welcome to the future.” The guy was smiling, but Bucky could see the concern behind his eyes.

And that could only mean one thing, he realized as his smile disappeared.

This was true. And if it was true then it meant that... That Steve was...

“Steve !” He couldn't help the stranggled cry that escaped his mouth.

New Stark's eyes widened.

“No no no no ! Don't worry about your bestie, Barnes ! He is fine. He survived too, he is on a mission right now.”

“Wha...? How old is he ?” Bucky was just confused now. Steve must be around 100 years old now.. And people still sent him on missions ?! Were they nuts ?!

“I'd say 21 ? Yeah something like that.” Wondered Stark aloud. 

Bucky stared at him for a moment, and then decided that his life was just crazy like that. So he was in the future, and Steve was still as young as he had been last time he saw him. What about that guy who looks like Howard ? Howard didn't seem like the kind of guy to want kids...

“So, you're a Stark ?”

“Yup. Howard's my dad.”

“You didn't seem pleased to be called by his name”

“Oh no I was just surprised, since he is hm.” Tony paused, eyeing him carefully. Bucky understood before Stark told him. “He is dead. I try not to think about him too much.” Bucky frowned slightly. New Stark was lying about the reason why he didn't want to talk about his father. 

They changed the subject, then, and Tony Stark started talking about his arm, as well as all the new technologies in the future, and then he told Bucky about the super heroes, and he was half way into explaining the Hulk and Bruce Banner when the door slammed opened, revealing Captain America.

“Bucky.” Said Steve, out of breath.

“Steve.” Replied Bucky, grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After reading this again to spot the typos, I realized this looks a little like Bucky is hitting on Tony. I decided to leave it like that coz it's really useful for the rest of the story x)  
> And yes, Bucky calls Tony New Stark in his head, it'll pass in next chapter, but I found it funny and endearing somehow ^^  
> And yes, I decided that Bucky would take the thing about being in the future really well, fight me. The story does not focus on that anyway. I don't pretend to be writing something perfect, the characters are so much deeper than what I am writing, but I don't have the skills to do it like I should. Sorry.
> 
> Oh which reminds me...
> 
> Chapter 5's title is : All the thing I want to say  
> It will be focused on Stucky sorry for the Tony fans, he'll come back in chapter 6 ! ^^"
> 
> Here, if you want an extract : 
> 
> Bucky smiled widely at the mention of the arm, and he moved in front of him, watching the metal move smoothly and silently. Then, he turned to the blond.
> 
> “Yes. Tony made it. I like this guy !”


	5. All the things I want to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted to say 'I love you' over and over. But it was probably too soon. Or too late, it depended of how one would look at it. However one thing was certain : it was not the time. So instead, Steve settled for : “I missed you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so... This is for you, Stucky fans. Enjoy, it won't last because it'll get worse before it gets better.   
> For all those Tony fans out there who hate on Steve, you might hate him more while reading this, but please try to understand his point of view : he genuinely thinks he had to choose, and he genuinely believes Tony only loved him for Captain America. I'm not saying he did the right thing, I'm really not. I'm just saying that his actions can be understood and that he is not some sort of pure evil or something ^^
> 
> OH AND ! PLEASE READ THIS I got a comment talking about Steve/Howard... There is not Steve/Howard (Steward ? Howeve ? Stoward ?) It was just a lie that Steve told Tony to get the man to hate him. Didn't work, of course, but that's for another chapter..
> 
> PS : you will soon understand that insecure mother hen Bucky Barnes is my jam.

“You can get out, now” Steve told Stark in a cold tone.

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise : he would have thought that Steve would get along well with a Stark. Tony was just as charming as his father – if not more – after all. Even Bucky could see that after spending only an hour with the new Stark. 

Without a word, Stark stood up and left, stopping in front of Steve to glare at him for a few seconds.

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

As soon as they were alone, Steve ran to Bucky and hugged him tighly.   
The supersoldier buried his face in Bucky's hair and fought back tears.   
He wanted to say 'I love you' over and over. But it was probably too soon. Or too late, it depended of how one would look at it. However one thing was certain : it was not the time. So instead, Steve settled for : “I missed you”

“I missed you too punk.” Replied Bucky, voice thick with emotions.

Oh, how much Steve had missed this voice. 

They stayed like this for a long time, just holding onto each other. Steve closed his teary eyes and listened to Bucky's heartbeat. Each beat seemed to sing Bucky's survival. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.   
When they broke the embrace, they both had wet eyes, and Steve wondered if Bucky had been listening to his heart too. He smiled sadly, and Bucky returned it.

“So, is it true ? We're in the future ?”

Steve gave him a short laugh.

“Yeah. It's crazy but it's real. And I understand you, believe me. I lived it too. What's the last thing you remember ?”

Bucky's grey eyes darkened as he went quiet for a few seconds, staring at the white wall in front of him. He looked troubled and confused.

Just when Steve was about to ask if he was alright, Bucky finally answered.

“The train. I fell. I should have died but... I survived. I lost an arm, left one. I was in so much pain, and everything was so cold around me that I stopped shaking. I was dying. Did you find me ? Why... How am I still alive ?”

Steve frowned. He had theories, but he didn't want to torment Bucky. If the man had some time to adapt to the future before he started remembering the Winter Soldier, that was a gift. 

“I don't know, Bucky. I don't know. But let's focus on the fact that you are, alright ? Plus, you got a new arm.”

Bucky smiled widely at the mention of the arm, and he moved in front of him, watching the metal move smoothly and silently. Then, he turned to the blond.

“Yes. Tony made it. I like this guy !”

Steve frowned at the mention of Tony, and Bucky seemed to notice it.

“Hey Steve, why aren't you getting along with Stark ?” Oh no. Steve didn't have any plan for this situation. Bucky kept going, seemingly thinking out loud. “I'd have thought you would make friends with Howard's son, I mean, it seems like he is a great person, a lot like his fath-” NO. Anger exploded in Steve's chest.

“Tony is nothing like his father” he growled. 

Bucky seemed to understand that this was a battle already lost. He held his hands up jokingly and changed the subject, asking about Peggy. They both decided that Bucky could move to Steve's room, at least for the next few days.

 

That night, Bucky woke up from a nightmare he could not remember. Steve, by his side, watched him with sorrowfull eyes. Noticing that, Bucky directed a sad smile at him. 

“Hey Stevie, don't be sad. Don't regret the past. We are not who we were before. I am not the Bucky you knew.” 'But I still want to protect you and mother hen you and I love you so, so much' he almost added, but decided otherwise at the last second.

“Who are you, then ?” Questionned Steve quietly, and Bucky didn't understand why it sounded like Steve feared the answer.

“Well... I'm still trying to figure that out.” 'I am trying to remember'

 

Steve woke up to lips pressed against his.  
They were familiar, but they didn't feel like Tony's, which made him frown, confused.

“This okay ?” Came a slightly insecure, deep and quiet voice. Bucky ?

And then Steve remembered it all.  
The Winter Soldier, Bucky, Tony, the choice. The heartbreak that followed. The blond opened his eyes sharply, trying desperatly to avoid the memory of Tony's broken ones. 

Bucky was on top of him, watching him silently. His eyes were narrowed on his face. He had noticed Steve's struggle, and judging by his expression, he thought it was his fault. 

“You okay, Stevie ? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Kissed you, I mean. Let's forget it, yeah ?” Bucky said while getting off of Steve.

“No !” Steve protested instantly, grabbing Bucky's flesh arm and pulling him down again to crash his lips against Bucky's in a rough, but meaningful kiss. The kiss then softened before they pulled back a few moments later. They were both smiling, and their faces were so close that Bucky's dark hair was tingling Steve's cheeks. “No.” Repeated the blond tenderly. 

“I take it we're still together then, punk ?” Bucke's tone was playful, but Steve could see the worry in his lover's eyes.

“Of course we are, jerk.” Grinned the super soldier. 

And for the first time since he woke up, Bucky didn't look so lost anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so who hates me now ? If you want to kill me already get in line, you're not the only one XD
> 
> I know the tags say Bucky has PTSD, but PTSD doesn't always mean flashbacks all the time, I know it coz I have PTSD. Thank whoever's listening tho, because it's not too bad, just some flashbacks and nightmares and wait why am I telling you all this XD I'm just saying, be patient, Bucky's PTSD will come. 
> 
> Tony comes back next chapter yaaaay ! 
> 
> Chapter 6's title is : Asset.   
> Oh yeah I know the feels are coming. (Winter is, too. lol.) 
> 
> A short extract for the addicted ones who can't wait : 
> 
> Then he put on his media smile and laughed.
> 
> “You're a funny guy, Barnes. So, I wanted to see you to check on your metal arm, would it be ok for me to open it and see if everything is in place ? I promise it won't hurt. Well unless something's broken, then I can't promise anything. By the way do you like it ? It can feel temperature and touch and pain, because most people think feeling pain is a flaw, but it's actually an asset,” 
> 
> Bucky suddenly flinched. 
> 
>  
> 
> Don't forget to comment and leave kudos and all that ! I really love the support you all show me guys ! Especially the ones who leave me a comment on each chapter, love you all :D


	6. Asset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tries to be nice and triggers Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter used to be named "Final Warning" but someone told me it was cliché and I agreed (that someone is Every_Fandom_Trash)
> 
> Also, for all the phans in need of angst, I posted an angsty one shot this afternoon (so while you were sleeping if you're american), go check it out if you're interested ! 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy ! See you at the end (of the line).

The first time Tony tried to reach out to Bucky, he had made sure Steve was out of the Tower and then he had made pancakes, before asking JARVIS to tell Bucky to come to the communal floor. 

Bucky had shown up a few minutes later, still looking sleepy. It had made Tony laugh, and it had starled him. He had realized that he didn't remember when was the last time he had laughed before that. Bucky had looked at him strangely, before focusing on the pancakes. 

Tony had opened his mouth to start conversation, maybe ask Bucky if he needed anything, or if his metal arm felt alright, but at that same instant the door had slammed open, revealing Captain America, still sweaty from his morning run. 

“Get. Out.” The blond supersoldier had growled between gritted teeth as soon as he had noticed Tony. 

“What's wrong, punk ?” Had asked Bucky, confused, at the same time as Tony had shot back : “This is my tower, if someone should get out, it's you.”

Steve and Tony had glared at each other for what felt like hours, completely ignoring a very confused Bucky who didn't know what to do. 

“Come on Bucky, let's go.” Had finally spit Steve.

And they had left. 

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

 

That night, Steve had left a letter in Tony's room. Tony had had to close his eyes for a few seconds to fight back the memories they had shared in that bedroom. Then he had picked up the letter. 

It read : “Don't go near Bucky again, or you will regret it. -S.R.”

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

 

Steve could not sleep. Tony had found out about the true reason why he had left him. He knew it was because of Bucky, and now the genius wanted to get his revenge, he wanted to hurt Bucky. Well Steve would not let him. He would defend Bucky until his last breath.

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

 

The second time Tony tried to talk to Bucky, it was out of concern. He wanted to check that the arm was working well. So he told JARVIS to wait for Bucky to be alone before asking him to come down to the workshop. 

He didn't have to wait too long. Merely an hour later the supersoldier was standing in his workshop, looking a little lost. He was looking around at all the robots and screens and Tony could see the confusion and wonder in his eyes. Bucky was way too cute, it almost hurt to look at something so perfect. Just as the thought went through the genius' head, Bucky's eyes narrowed on him, and for a moment the inventor seriously feared that Barnes had mind reading habilities he never told anyone about.

“You look tired. And sad.” Stated the man. “You need to eat and sleep.”

Tony was startled, and for a moment he didn't know how to respond. No one ever looked at him long enough to notice anymore. Not even Pepper, or Rhodey. Or maybe no one wanted to notice, because then they'd have to take care of him, and he would become even more of a pain in their ass. 

Then he put on his media smile and laughed.

“You're a funny guy, Barnes. So, I wanted to see you to check on your metal arm, would it be ok for me to open it and see if everything is in place ? I promise it won't hurt. Well unless something's broken, then I can't promise anything. By the way do you like it ? It can feel temperature and touch and pain, because most people think feeling pain is a flaw, but it's actually an asset.” 

Bucky suddenly flinched. 

 

Words and screams of pain were echoing in his head.  
“The Asset.”  
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !”  
“-ter Soldier.”  
“Ready to comply”  
Russian words and sentences he could not comprehend. A dark, menacing laugh.  
“Asset.”  
“Mission.”  
“Sergeant James Barnes...”  
“-eady to comply”  
Bucky's head hurt. He took a step back from the man in front of him, and he looked around him, searching for something, anything to ease the pain and make the voices leave. When he looked back at the man, he saw Howard Stark. The mess of words and sounds in his head got even louder then.  
Russian words. He could understand them. They said :  
“Good morning soldier.”  
“Ready to comply” No.  
“I have a missiong for you” NO.  
“Sanction and extract.” NO !  
“No witnesses.” 

This time Bucky screamed for real. 

Strong arms were restraining him, he felt trapped. What was happening, why was he trapped ? Did they get him again ? Did someone stop him before he killed Howard ?

“BUCKY ! BUCKY COME BACK TO REALITY ! BUCKY IT'S ME IT'S STEVE !”

“Steve ?” He croaked, confused. 

“Yes, yes it's me Bucky. Are you.. Yourself ?” 

Bucky frowned. What a strange question.

“Where is Howard ?” He asked instead of answering.  
“Howard ?” Repeated someone from behind him. “Howard's dead. Barnes, you're more than 70 years later, did you forget ?”

“I killed him.” Replied Bucky in a trembling voice. He didn't know why he said that, but it felt like the truth. “I remember it.” Parts of it. “They told me to kill him” 

“Bucky. Bucky this is nonsense. You're in shock, look at you, you're shaking like a leaf. You don't know what you're saying. He doesn't know what he is saying, Tony.”

Bucky didn't say another word, letting Steve guide him to their room.

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

 

Tony let himself fall on the ground and just sat there, watching the two supersoldiers walk out of the workshop. 

“JARVIS, investigate on my parents' death, and try to spot any link to the Winter Soldier.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony didn't sleep that night. 

o  
o  
o  
o  
o

 

Steve was running his fingers through Bucky's hair, wishing he could comfort Tony too. He saw the look on the inventor's face, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Tony triggered a flashback about Howard in Bucky's mind, and felt awful now that he knew the truth about his parents' death. What Bucky had said... It was most likely the truth. But it wasn't Bucky. It was the Winter Soldier. 

Now, Tony was going to hate Bucky even more. Steve needed to give him a real warning this time, since the first one hadn't been effective.

Slowly, he got out of the bed and went to his living room, careful not to wake Bucky.

He then pulled out his phone and called Stark. 

It didn't take long for the genius to answer. 

“What do you want from me, Cap ? Answers ? Because yes. Yes the Winter Soldier killed my parents.”

Steve's eyebrows shot up. Well, that was a way to pick up the phone.

“I called to tell you to never get close to Bucky again. You triggered his flashback today. It's your fault. Always has been.” 

His voice was softer than what he had wanted it to be as he lied through his teeth, but he decided to ignore it.

It killed Steve to say all that. But it was necessary. It was for Bucky's safety, because Tony must hate him : Bucky stole his parents, and his lover. Who wouldn't hate someone who did that to them ? Tony was a threat to Bucky. Tony wasn't even getting that hurt, because Tony never loved him, he loved Captain America. Captain America was a prize for the inventor, the hero from the past that Howard surely never stopped telling his son about. Tony would never have loved him back then when he was just a kid from Brooklyn.

Yes, Tony was ok.

When Tony didn't answer, Steve added in a dark, threatenning tone.

“This is your second and final warning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you noticed how the chapters keep getting longer and longer ? Yeah, me too. I don't know why I do that, but I'll end up published 10k words chapters if I don't stop XD 
> 
> Wait, would you guys enjoy that ? The chapters getting longer I mean. (It's not like you have a choice but I can cut them if it really bothers you)
> 
> Also, we're getting closer and closer to a really important point in the story, I'm sorry it takes so long to happen, I should add slow burn in the tags. Yeah I'm going to do that.
> 
> Next Chapter is : Watching  
> Yeah I know that title sucks. I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.. But I can't think of any better title. Tomorow when you'll read it you're welcome to try and think of a better one :)
> 
> a short extract :  
> \-------------------------  
> “Bucky, you think too loudly, I can't sleep” Mumbled a very cute looking and very sleepy Captain America next to him.
> 
> “Sorry punk.” Grinned Bucky, not sorry at all.
> 
> The blond punched him playfully and they laughed. It reminded Bucky of how they were before it all, and he should have felt pain, but all he could feel was hope.
> 
> “Okay, time for breakfast, Buck. You're meeting the others today.”
> 
> Bucky's eyes widened comically.
> 
> “I am... What ?” He demanded.
> 
> \-----------
> 
> I know, even my extracts are angsty. I'm so mean. x)
> 
> They call me the angst queen (well one person does)
> 
> Don't forget to comment and leave kudos ! I love reading your reviews it warms my heart and helps me corrects my mistakes and grow as a writer ! I love you all ! See you tomorow !


	7. Watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky meets Natasha and Clint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone ! I love you all, I love you so, so much, I got so many hits and comments and kudos and it has barely been a week since I started publishing this story, but you all make me a little anxious, you know ^^" 
> 
> So please don't hate on me, I'm just a beginner at all this, and it's so hard to write angsty polyamory fics omg. This chapter however doesn't have much angst, it's mainly Bucky making two spy-friends, and it's cute.

Since he woke up several weeks ago, Bucky had heard a lot of things about the avengers. He knew they were powerful, he knew that Stark and Steve were on the team, and he knew that they were probably going to want to recruit him once he was proved stable.   
Steve had told him about the other members, and Bucky looked forward to finally meeting them. However the team had judged it better and safer to let Bucky adapt to the new century in peace, without the pressure of social integration, so they had left for Barton's farm. 

Right now, he was laying on his and Steve's bed, his flesh fingers running through the blond's hair slowly. Steve had fallen asleep shortly after he started doing that, so Bucky didn't stop, in fear of waking him up. 

Steve had been the only person he had had any contacts with in the last two weeks, except for the doctors of course. They said that he seemed to be experiencing flashbacks of his life as the Winter Soldier, and that it was a normal reaction. 

Steve had had to explain him who the Winter Soldier was, and the conversation had stopped when Bucky had ran to the bathroom to vomit. 

For hours Steve would tell him over and over again that it wasn't him, it wasn't his fault, it was the Winter Soldier's, that no one blamed him for what the Winter Soldier had done – who he had killed - under the orders of Hydra.   
And everytime Bucky would reply : “So you think Stark doesn't blame me ?”  
And it never failed to end the discussion, since they both knew Tony blamed Bucky, they didn't need to ask the genius to know that.

They just had different feelings about it. Bucky felt pain and guilt. Steve felt protectiveness and anger. 

Bucky was terrified of what the government would decide to do with him. Execute him ? Throw him in a maximum security prison ? Torture him for information ? Experiment on him ? Bucky shivered. The last one was the worst. 

“Bucky, you think too loudly, I can't sleep” Mumbled a very cute looking and very sleepy Captain America next to him.

“Sorry punk.” Grinned Bucky, not sorry at all.

The blond punched him playfully and they laughed. It reminded Bucky of how they were before it all, and he should have felt pain, but all he could feel was hope.

“Okay, time for breakfast, Buck. You're meeting the others today.”

Bucky froze and his eyes widened comically.

“I am... What ?” He demanded.

Steve laughed, getting out of bed.

“You're meeting the others today. They called yesterday but I didn't tell you because you wouldn't have slept.”

Bucky stared at him for a moment, searching for an argument, and then nodded slowly, a small smile in his lips. “I can't really deny that.”

It was true, he was very anxious about meeting other people, especially people who knew about the Winter Soldier. He was terrified of finding fear and mistrust in their eyes.  
Steve put a hand on his shoulder and smiled gently at him. 

“Come on, Bucky, don't be scared. They will absolutely love you, trust me.”

“You'll stay with me ?” He asked, really hoping the answer would be yes, but he knew Steve wanted him to handle it on his own.

The Captain sighed.

“Listen, I trust them with my life. I trust them with you too. I swear, everything will be fine. I just want them to meet you, and only you. Not the 'Captain America's best friend' you.”

This is why Bucky was currently watching TV without being able to focus on it, on the communal floor, alone, waiting for the avengers to arrive. And that's how Clint and Natasha found him. 

“Is that how Steve treats his guests then ?” Asked Hawkeye, making Bucky startle and turn around quickly to assess the situation.

There were two strangers in the room. Well, not strangers. More like new people he already knew a lot about. These persons were Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton, superspies and avengers. Bucky noticed that they were studying him too, but he saw no fear, no mistrust in their eyes, and a weight seemed to disappear from above his chest at that observation. 

The supersoldier wondered briefly where the other avengers were, but quickly figured they had decided not to crowd him. 

“Hi” He said, hoping he wasn't being rude. His people skills were rusty.

“I'm Bucky” He added as an afterthought.

“Natasha Romanov, nice to meet you” Replied the woman, not making any move to come nearer.

The man crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch.

“I'm Clint. Clint Barton. So, what are you watching ?”

Bucky stared at him. This guy was fearless. The bowman wasn't even tense at the idea of being sat right next to the Winter Soldier. Barton, who had focused on the screen for a few seconds, must have found the lack of answers weird, because he turned to Bucky again, frowning.

“Is there something on my face ?”

Bucky opened his mouth, closed it, looked away, and opened it again while studying the ground intently.

“Whyaren'tyou'fraidofme ?” He mumbled under his breath.

“What ?” Barton asked. Bucky was about to repeat what he just said when he felt a hand clap on his back, making the soldier in him flinch and prepare to fight. “Of course we're not afraid of you, Barnes ! Why would we ? We'd see it if it was the Winter Soldier in the room, and we would handle it. Tasha and I made plans to contain him if he ever came back, but really, since Tony made the tech that cured you, I don't think he will ever come back, and that was a LOT of talking help me out Nat I think I broke him.”

Bucky just kept staring at him, expression blank. They had made plans in case the Winter Soldier came back ? He felt like he should have been angry, or defensive, but it only made him feel safer, somehow.

“Already ?” Chuckled Natasha, and WOW. That was way closer than where she had been before. Bucky stopped staring at Barton to locate the redhead, only to find her right behind the couch, smiling down at them. 

“You're scary.” He stated.

Barton laughed. “Oh yeah she is. Awesome isn't it ?” 

Bucky stared at him some more and nodded slowly. 

“I think we're going to be very good friends, Barnes.” Said Romanov happily, settling on the couch on the other side of Bucky.

“Call me Bucky” He told them. 

“Well use our first names too then, Buck” Bar-Clint replied. “JARVIS, put on mario kart, I wanna introduce Bucky to something useful.”

“Mario kart is not useful, Clint” Natasha argued, sighing. It sounded like it wasn't the first time she said that.  
Clint grinned at Bucky “Mario kart is very useful because it's the only game on which I can beat Natasha without her saying it's because I'm a sniper so it doesn't count”

Bucky smiled, amused.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Tony Stark was curled up on his couch, eyes fixed on the big screen on one of the walls. The screen was split in two. One of them showed Bucky playing video games with two superspies, and on the other, Steve was drawing.

Tony pretended he didn't notice that it was a drawing of him, smiling. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

[A few months ago, late at night]

Steve sat in their bed, drawing a man with dark brown hair, soft grey eyes, and a genuine, affectionate smile on his lips.

“Hey Steve ?” Called Tony, who was resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder, watching the blond move the pen on the paper expertly. 

“Yes dear ?” Answered the supersoldier, not looking up from the paper.

“What do you like to draw ?”

There was a short silence while Steve thought about it.

“I like to draw the things that I miss the most.” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So did you like it ? I liked writing that part. I missed the Avengers and I couldn't wait to introduce them to the story. Thor and Bruce are coming next chapter, or the one after, don't remember, but cool right ? Bruce will stay in the shadows for some time, but I promise I'm not gonna leave him out of the angst. He will play the main protector of Tony, and the science bro ya know ? XD Yeah Brucie will be awesome. Thor too. 
> 
> For Pepper and Rhodey... I see them as.. kind of gone, like Sam. They're living their life away from all the actions of the Avengers. (It's a lot of characters to write, you know, and I suck at writing so when there are too many characters I tend to forget the plot or make it too complicated for my weak writing skills)  
> The might make an appearance later in the story, though. Something like Bucky and Tony's relationship from their point of view, or maybe their uh.. OOPS SPOILER. 
> 
> I'll get better, I swear, but for now, prepare for chapter 8, because this one will be the worst. Like really, you are all going to hate on Steve like you never ever did before, but please, please don't rage quit the story because of what he'll do. It's a really long way until he'll get with Bucky and Tony, and chapter 8 is the reason why this fic is going to last for ages. Because Steve is going to screw things up real, real bad. 
> 
> Chapter 8's title is : And still, you love him ? 
> 
> I know, just that title tells that it's going to be awfully painful. 
> 
> Here is a very, very short extract so I don't spoil too much but you still get prepared for the violence of the feels. Civil War kind.
> 
> \----------------------------------------------------------------  
> Tony spit blood before replying, looking Steve right in the eye. “So was I.”   
> \----------------------------------------------------------------
> 
>  
> 
> Now, a comment, kudos, bookmark, whatever to make me know you exist and you want me to keep going, is very much appreciated, really, it makes me smile one of those dumb smiles that won't go off your face no matter how hard you try ^^"


	8. And Still, you love him ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Civil War feels. All over again. Be prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I am so, so sorry (But you've got two shadows XD) for what you're about to read. 
> 
> Secondly, I would like to point out that this is probably the worst point of the story, the one when it hurts the most... Well except THAT one other moment but since it's about Steve and not Tony you all probably won't care. Oh there is this thing with Bucky.. Yeah I'm so sorry. Angst is my thing. Lucky you, happy endings are not an option for me, so you'll get one. 
> 
> Thirdly, I think it's not going to have any effect even if I beg you not to want to murder Steve. You're going to anyway, if you don't want it already. 
> 
> OH AND I AM SO HAPPY THANK YOU ALL WE REACHED 1800 HITS AFTER ONLY SEVEN CHAPTERS (one chapter a day so a week) AND I WAS PLANNING FOR 200 hits/chapter and now I'm so motivated to end this story the way it deserves to be ended (aka as well as I can with a happy ending coz i could just kill them all ya know) SO I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT KEEP READING ME MAYBE ! 
> 
> PS : this chapter could have been named "...No." Really. If any of you can comment all the time a character finishes their sentence or thought by "...No." you get a cookie, and/or to give me an idea that I will consider, either for an OS or something to include in the story.

“Come on Stark, are you afraid of losing ?” Had asked Barnes, and Tony could see the fear of rejection behind the grey eyes.

He knew that feeling.

“Okay, but just one, and don't tell Cap.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The third time Tony approached Bucky, Steve saw red. 

The blond had walked in on them playing mario kart in the common room. They weren't even trying to hide. 

For a moment, Steve had just wanted to join them, sit next to them and hug them both. And then he remembered. The Winter Soldier. Howard and Maria's death. 

Tony was trying to gain Bucky's trust. Tony wanted revenge.

A crimson filter fell over his eyes, altering his vision of reality, and clouding his thoughts.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That night, Tony sat at his bar, drinking a glass of whisky, when JARVIS spoke up, nervous.

“Sir, I believe Steve Rogers is..” 

And then the door flew open to reveal a very angry looking supersoldier. Tony put his glass down, regretting intensely giving in to Bucky's puppy eyes that morning.

“I WARNED YOU !” Roared Steve before punching him in the face, sending him to the hard floor. Pain shot through his whole face and back and he grunted, trying to get up. 

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET CLOSE TO HIM ! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO HIM ! YOU WILL NOT HURT HIM” Steve kicked him in the ribs. “YOU CANT HURT BUCKY ! HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME”

Tony spit blood before replying, looking Steve right in the eye. “So was I.”

Steve seemed then to finally truly look at him, and to see the damage he's done. His furious expression turned into a horrified one, tears filling his eyes. “I'm sorry” He breathed, and he fled the room, leaving the inventor laying on the floor, covered in forming bruises. 

The genius laughed bitterly, the action sending a wave of pure pain through his ribs. 

“All this for a game of mario kart.”

He stood up slowly and looked into the nearest mirror. He was going to have a phenomenal black eye. He carefully touched his ribs, and realized he was going to have to get Bruce to check on them without telling the other scientist how he got hurt. It's not like the others wouldn't notice the black eye, anyway. But he couldn't tell them it was the supersoldier. The blond was just doing what he thought was right. It was alright. Tony was alright. Steve just happened to love his best friend from the 40s more.

And still, he loved Steve.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve ran to the gym.

Half a dozen destroyed punching bags later, he let himself fall on the floor and whimpered. 

Why did it have to be so complicated ? Why did Tony have to hate Bucky ? Why was this Steve's life ? Having to protect one of his loves from the other...  
And still Steve loved Tony. How could he cause pain to Tony like that ? How dared he ? How could he love two persons at the same time ? How could he hurt one of them so much, just for the sake of the other's safety ? 

“I hate myself” He whimpered again, hugging his knees and shutting his eyes, whishing his existence to cease. 

A small eternity later, a hand touched his back lightly. “Stevie ? Are you okay ?”

Bucky. Steve opened his eyes and lifted his head, looking at his boyfriend through his tears. A question burned his tongue. He needed to ask.

“Bucky ?”

“Yes ?”

“Do you still love me ?”

“Yes.”

'You wouldn't if you knew.' He thought, chest aching as if he was being stabbed.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Tony sat in the infirmary, pouting. 

“I don't want to tell you, Bruce !”

“And I won't work with you on anything, not a single project, as long as you don't tell me what happened.” Replied the scientist, crossing his arms and frowning. 

Tony could see his science bro was concerned, really, he could, but he also couldn't tell the truth. No one wanted Hulk to run after Steve through the tower, and then kill Captain America, because that was how it would end if Tony told the truth. So he settled for a lie.

“I picked a fight in a bar. I was drunk.”

Bruce squinted his eyes at him, suspicious.

“I didn't see anything about it in the medias, and you don't drink that much anymore.”

Tony shrugged. 

“Well they can't find out every single time I mess up. The media would only be about Tony Stark if they did.”

As Bruce ranted about not picking fights in bars, Tony realized how much he had, indeed, messed up. He wasn't sure exactly when he had done something wrong, but he must have, if Captain America himself was so angry at him. Surely, it was about Bucky, but the genius couldn't help it, he felt drawn to the quiet man. And it felt very much like... No. 

So that was it. Steve found out and he was worried Tony would hit on his best friend. Or were they more ? 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[The next night]

Clint, Natasha, Bruce, and Thor sat in the bowman's living room.

“I'm worried about Tony. He came to me with a black eye and three broken ribs this morning. He said he picked a fight, but I looked at his hands, they're not even scratched : he didn't try to defend himself, he got beat up.”

“Why would the man of iron let himself be injured ?”

“Maybe... No.” Started Clint.

Natasha nudged him with her foot, encouraging him to continue his idea.

“Maybe he knew and liked the person who did this to him, and he didn't want to hurt them.” the archer said in one breath. 

Bruce's eyes widened in realization. “You don't think... No.” Everyone held their breath, in fear of a Code Green.

“I am going to talk to Steve.” Stated Natasha, and no one argued.

“By the way, anyone knows why they broke up ? Is it because of Bucky ?” Questionned Bruce, and it seemed like he already had his opinion on that.

“I think so, yeah. And I actually think that Bucky and Steve are dating, but are very private about it. Maybe Bucky needs time to forget all the homophobia of their time.” Answered Clint.

“I wish Bucky would go away.” Sighed Bruce. “I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell.”

The spies agreed.

Meanwhile, Thor wasn't paying attention. His eyes were on Bucky's. The soldier was standing in the shadows, listening to their conversation, and he looked utterly destroyed as he stared back at the god, silently pleading him not to reveal his presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I'm gonna say it again : I'm sorry. You might be crying right now, it's okay, eat chocolate, cuddle something or someone, and remember : happy ending.. Or you might be furious. Then breathe with me. Deep breaths. Right. 1, you hold it, 2... Do it again. And again. Feeling better ? It's still too much pain ? I know, I know. Chapter 9 is all fluffy though. Well, almost fluffy. I mean, better than chapter 8, and there is a lot of progress on the Bucky/Tony side. And Bucky meets Thor. That's cool, isn't it ? Yeah, so cool x) 
> 
> Come on, don't be mad. Or hurt. Don't know what your reaction is lol. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's like life : you never really know what's going to happen until it happens, and things often turn out more okay than you thought they'd do. ^^
> 
> Okay so chapter 9's title : The Truth lies in the eyes
> 
> I like that title, didn't even mean to make it rhyme but yeah, that happened. Short extract ? Short extract. 
> 
> \------------------------------------------------
> 
> “Where are you going ?” Asked Clint, stepping in the elevator too.
> 
> “Wherever Stark is right now. I need to talk to him.”
> 
> The bowman smiled approvingly. “You heard that JARVIS ? Take him to Shellhead.” The elevator started moving. “Oh and Bucky ? Call him Tony, he doesn't like to be called Stark by his friends.”
> 
> “I'm not his..” Protested Bucky just as the elevator stopped.
> 
> \-------------------------------------------------


	9. The Truth lies in the eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor meets Bucky and go all big brother on him. Bucky just wants to take care of Tony. Clint ships it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. About PTSD. Does anyone know anything about PTSD here ?? (don't raise your hand I can't see you) 
> 
> Okay, I am now going to assume some people don't know that having PTSD means you can get violent. For not apparent reason. You just lose it, and it looks like no one can stop you. It does not happen to all who have PTSD, but it does happen, and it is a thing. A true thing. That Steve Rogers happens to have but hasn't been diagnosed with yet. Bucky and Tony also have PTSD (if you look at the tags wondering where the hell those were, I forgot to add them and will add them right after publishing this.)
> 
> I just think this is important that you know, people can make huuuuuge mistakes, and sometimes you don't understand. Sometimes the pain they cause, is not even close to the one they feel. I SAID SOMETIMES DONT YELL AT ME FOR BEING STEVE'S ADVOCATE SOMEONE HAS TO TAKE HIS SIDE (says the one yelling sorry) 
> 
> Anyway I hope you just read that. Coz my long af notes are certainly not read by everyone and I get it it's so boring I skip them too. It's just, for those who keep commenting how Steve is so unforgivable, here, let me reveal some of the plot : Steve has issues. Mainly PTSD and depression but depression goes with PTSD most of the time (it's a symptom).
> 
> *big sigh* Anyway you just got that long speech because I'm tired of the reviews saying Steve is an asshole who deserves to be left out in the cold, beaten up, punched by rhodey (i like that one tho coz it wouldn't hurt steve that bad just bring him back to earth), and other hurtful thing, and that's when you don't want him to just die. So okay, I get it, my story, but your opinion, and you can have that opinion okay, I respect it. It just makes me feel like you're not getting it, and also.. Why so unforgiving ? Why ? It hurts to see humans so cold and unready to even understand. But once again, I get it. Keep telling me how much you hate and want him gone it's okay, I'll work on trying to get you to like him as the chapters go :D
> 
> (And don't be mad at me I'm just expressing myself and don't feel like im not mad at you all I'm not please don't send hate)

Bucky sat on the roof of the Avengers Tower, watching the dawn. 

He hadn't been able to sleep that night after fleeing Clint's floor silently. JARVIS had taken him there when he had asked where the others were, instead of answering him. Bucky had decided to step out of the elevator and go see what everyone was doing on one of the other's private floor. 

And then he had heard them talking about bruises on Tony. He had felt a wave of protectiveness towards the man, and had to control himself in order not to run to tend to the other man's injuries right then. 

The most shocking thing he discovered, though, was that Steve had left those bruises. Or well, the other Avengers believed it was Steve. Bucky would investigate by himself later. He didn't really want to confront Steve, because if it wasn't Steve, it would hurt his boyfriend's feeling that Bucky doubted him like that. 

He hadn't been prepared for what had happened next. He had been looking at them from the shadows and no one should have been able to spot him, but one second Bucky had been trying to read Natasha's body language to figure out if she was planning to hurt Steve or not, and the next Thor's eyes had been on him, studying him without revealing anything to the others, while Bruce was saying that Bucky should leave, that because of him Tony was suffering. 

Bucky didn't know why it had affected him so much, but it had, and he was terrified of the others finding out that he heard all that conversation. The soldier had kept looking Thor in the eyes as he had fled into the shadows, trying to get him to keep quiet, but he didn't know the god, he had no way to know if he could trust him. 

“Brother of Winter, I did not know you enjoyed sunlight”

Bucky startled. Thor. Why was he here ?

“Why wouldn't I enjoy it ?” He replied, turning to face the god.

Steve had told him that a serious Thor was a very rare sight. Right now, the god looked like someone had just died. 

“Winter is not the season of the sun. I came to talk to you, son of Barnes. I believe we should discuss last night's events.”

Bucky nodded. He felt like Thor was treating him like some sort of kid... But it wasn't really that. He could not find the word, but Thor was acting strangely. He was pretty sure Steve would have mentionned it if Thor had a big brother thing going on. 

“Call me Bucky”

Thor smiled at him, sitting next to him on the edge. Their legs were dangling in the void, and it reminded Bucky of all the times he and Steve had sat like that to speak about everything that went through their heads and hearts.

“Bucky, why were you listening to us ? Were you spying on us ?” Questionned Thor, but it wasn't accusation the man from the 40s heard in his voice, it was genuine curiosity.

Bucky shook his head no. 

“Why were you there, then ?” 

“ JARVIS took me there when I asked where the others were. Steve told me to socialize and make friends. I was just trying to spend time with you guys.” Bucky mumbled, voice quiet. Something about Thor made him want to trust him, he felt protected and entirely accepted, which was weird since it was their first conversation.

There was a short silence during which both men just looked at the city below. People down there looked like ants from up here. It made Bucky realize once again how insignificant he was. His life is so short, and there are so many things he cannot do, so many things people made him do. He, Bucky Barnes, is insignificant, so insignificant that his body was turned into a weapon and his mind, almost erased.

“You remind me of my brother.” Said Thor, out of the blue. 

Bucky looked at the blond, intrigued. Steve never mentionned Thor had a brother.

“You have a brother ?”

It was Thor's turn to be surprised. “The others didn't tell you ? Well I guess that's better. They don't know him. They saw him while he was at his worst, and from what little informations I could gather, I think he had been tortured into submission by an entity far greater than all of us.” Bucky shivered.

Thor paused, seemingly lost in thoughts.

“The Captain of America told me things about you. You have been forced to fight for your enemies. Soldier of Winter. Is that how they called you ?”

Bucky stared at him, surprised. Thor was the first one to talk to him about this. Most of the time he just pretended this part of his wasn't real, that it was just a big nightmare.

Faint voices echoed at the back of his mind, but Thor's strong one brought him back to reality quickly.

“I do not wish to make you remember this, brother of winter. I just wanted to tell you that I understand, and I am here if you need me. I will not judge you for was they made you do. I don't think any of our friends will.”

Bucky avoided the god's eyes then.  
“I think someone does blame me.” He murmured.

“Who ?” Thor's voice was suddenly stronger, protective.

“Stark. He probably hates me, actually.”

Thor grabbed Bucky's shoulder and waited for the soldier to look him in the eye.

“No way. My brother of iron is not the kind of person to hold hatred in his heart, nor is he one to blame the innocent.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky sat still in the bath, staring at the wall without really seeing it. He was thinking about Tony.

“Perhaps he knew and liked the person who did this to him, and he didn't want to hurt them.”  
“By the way, anyone knows why they broke up ? Is it because of Bucky ?”

So Tony and Steve used to date... Bucky frowned. Steve never told him that. However it would explain the tension between the two. But did Tony know that Bucky and Steve were together ? The two supersoldier wanted to stay private about it, out of habit. Back in the 40s, their relationship had to stay a secret, it was a matter of survival. 

“I wish Bucky would go away.”

Bucky closed his eyes so tight it hurt.

“I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell.”

Was it his fault ? Was it all his fault ? Was is because he returned ? 

The soldier opened his eyes again. He had to fix this. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Where are you going ?” Asked Clint, stepping into the elevator too.

“Wherever Stark is right now. I need to talk to him.”

The bowman smiled approvingly. “You heard that JARVIS ? Take him to Shellhead.” The elevator started moving. “Oh and Bucky ? Call him Tony, he doesn't like to be called Stark by his friends.”

“I'm not his..” Protested Bucky just as the elevator stopped.

Clint clapped him on the back, gently pushing him towards the exit. “Yes you are. He made you an arm, no ? He only does that for people he cares about.”

Bucky sighed as he stepped out of the elevator and away from Clint's comforting's words.  
It was true, Tony made the arm because he cared. But not about Bucky. About Steve.

He stopped at the glass doors. From here he could see the inventor tinkering in his workshop. Tony's movements were slow, and from time to time he stopped, putting a hand on his ribs. Were they broken ? 

“Would you like me to inform sir of your presence ?”

Bucky jumped at the AI's voice. 

“Hm, yes. Please.” 

He saw Tony's back tense suddenly. The AI must have told him who was at the door. Slowly, the genius turned around to face Bucky. 

He had a black eye. 

Bucky's throat tightenned. Why did he feel so protective of that man ? 

The doors opened.

“Hey, old man ! So what's wrong with your arm ?” Smiled Tony. But it looked fake and forced. 

“Nothing's wrong with my arm. What's wrong with your eye ?” Tony's smile fell.

Bucky walked into the workshop, but didn't come near Tony. He felt like the genius didn't want him too close. He decided to look at all the robots and technology in the room, trying to look like this situation wasn't stressing him out.

“Nothing's wrong with my- oh you mean the black eye thing. Yeah, I got into a fight.”  
“Then why aren't your knuckles at least a little damaged ?” Asked Bucky, trying too sound genuinely confused, but it came out sounding like an accusation. He turned to the inventor to see his reaction. 

“What are you implying, Barnes ?”

Bucky took a few steps forward, and now there was only a table between the two men. 

“I'm just wondering why you didn't defend yourself. Where is your freezer ?”

For a few seconds, the genius didn't answer, and they just stared at each other while tension slowly filled the air.

Bucky knew that the billionaire was trying to come up with a believable lie, or a half truth that would get the soldier off his back.

“I just ran into an angry ex. You know, playboy and all that, it tends to annoy people a little bit.” Tony shrugged, but his tone was dark, and his eyes, clouded with violent memories. Bucky knew what it looked like, he saw it everytime he saw his face in a mirror.

“There is a freezer in the left corner, Sergeant Barnes” Said JARVIS.

“Thank you, JARVIS.” Bucky made his way to the freezer and opened it. 

Thankfully there was ice in it. The supersoldier took it and made his way to Tony, who was eyeing him warily. 

“What are you doing, old man ?”

Bucky stood right in front of Tony now. It had been a while since they had been that close. The last time was when he woke up. Even when they had played mario kart together Tony had sat as far away as he could. He extended his metal arm to put the ice on the genius' eye.

 

And Tony flinched.

 

They both froze, looking each other in the eye, one terrified and fragile, the other surprised and hurt. 

“I'm not going to hurt you” Let out Bucky, voice pained.

Tony took a few steps back. 

“I know you won't.”

“Then why are you afraid ?”

Tony glanced at the door. He wanted to run away. That was what Bucky made him feel. Bucky made him want to run away. 

“I'm not afraid.”

“Then let me put some ice on this eye”

“I can do it myself” 

“It doesn't take a genius to know you won't, Tony”

“What did you just call me ?”

“Tony”

There was a short silence during which Tony just stared at the supersoldier, wary eyes full of unreadable emotions. And then, he slipped the mask back on.

“I will do it myself, Bucky, if it gets you to get out.”

Bucky frowned. He didn't want to leave the inventor alone, and it didn't look like anyone was spending time with him these days. They might be all worried about him, but he didn't see anyone making him food or coming to the workshop to check on him. 

And then he remembered his theory.

“Was it Steve ?”

Tony froze. “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Is he the one who hurt you ?”

“Get out.” Tony's lower lip was trembling, and his fists were clenched. 

'So I was right. Time to go before I do more damage.' Realized Bucky, before getting out. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, the inventor was sat on a chair, staring at the melting ice, remembering grey concerned eyes and a quiet deep voice. 

Someone had wanted to take care of him, and he had pushed them away. Nothing alarming, just the usual. 

Then why was he so upset ? Why was he wishing Bucky would come back and put that damn ice on his damn black eye ? Why was he longing for that soft voice ? 

It was almost the same feeling he got when he thought of Steve, but with Steve, it wasn't just dreams. It was memories, dozens of them, all of them sweet and warm and almost comforting, if he could forget the fact that they now belonged to a past he will never get to live again.

Oh god, how much he missed the past. Steve used to come down to the workshop and draw, listening to Tony's eternal rant about science. The blond used to bring food and coffee, and Tony used to stop working for a few minutes just to join Steve on the couch and cuddle with him. Sometimes he ended up falling asleep. Sometimes he woke up in their bed, with strong arms wrapped around him. 

Now the workshop was silent and lonely. No one came down here anymore.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hum, I'm going to assume you liked that chapter more than the last one. ^^ 
> 
> Chapter 10 is Steve centered, you all get to see him being miserable. 
> 
> The title is : Time had never been a friend.
> 
> And you probably don't care, because it's Steve's chapter, but hey, please, remember. He's not okay. Plus, after chapter 10 you get chapter 11, and chapter 11 contains bucky cuteness and Thor overprotectiveness and uuuh Tasha protecting Tony and uuh yeah other things. Bruce I guess. Don't remember what he does in that chapter, he is quiet for the moment and will have a stronger role later. 
> 
> Short extract for those who care (makes me sad to know most of you don't)
> 
> \---------------------------------  
> Steve wished he could just die already.  
> \---------------------------------
> 
> Feel free to comment, I love you all still ! I mean I can't blame someone for being mad at someone who hurt Tony. I just hope you won't stay angry.  
> Anyway I love you and OH i almost forgot ! I had my Drama bac this morning (I'm in France so that was a few hours ago already) and I think I did alright ! You know why ? Coz when I woke up this morning I had nearly ten comments that showed you like/love my story ! And that warms my heart so much (even though some of you showed that by insulting Steve and telling me they don't know how the hell anyone could forgive steve after what he's done) (andshitIwroteforgetinsteadofforgiveandIgotthatterribleideathatwouldmakeyoukillmeifIwroteitbutImightonedayanywaycozImightbealittlesuicidal) 
> 
> Anyway see ya tomorow, I'm sorry about chapter 8 and I'm sorry about Steve having fucked up so badly and I'm sorry the hate on Steve upsetted me a little, it shouldn't have but I'm emotional ^^"


	10. Time has never been a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is feeling miserable and the author makes an important announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, you gotta read this. It's important. I'm not joking.
> 
> Okay so all the feedback I got from the beginning of this story made me rethink some things. I was teared appart between continuing this fic, writing it till the end, and not caring about what you all think, and changing it all, or even deleting it. (Yes, I seriously considered deleting it)
> 
> And I decided to give myself the night, to think about it. 
> 
> When I woke up this morning I had a few reviews to messages where I ranted about the ideas I was starting to get to fix it so both the readers and I are happy. I read them and it didn't change anything : I made a choice too, but I think it's not as bad as Steve's XD
> 
> My choice is to divide this story, this universe, in three stories. So I am gonna try to do it visually, so you don't get confused.
> 
> .Common to all : Bucky returns and Tony makes a machine to try to "delete" the winter soldier  
> .  
> .  
> .AU 1 : Steve talks to Tony about Bucky being his boyfriend back in the 40s, and Tony, with that information, decides that he's not worth almost a century of love, and breaks up with Steve. : Stuckony happy ending, the cliché stuckony where Steve and Bucky try to help Tony with his self worth issues (and the rest too)  
> .  
> .  
> .Steve dies . . . .AU2 . . . . . Steve is not really dead, he was just believed dead, he comes back . . . This is the AU2, the one I was planning to write.  
> .  
> .  
> .AU3 : Steve stays dead, winteriron ending with Bucky dealing with Tony's issues after the trauma Steve left behind.
> 
>  
> 
> ... So complicated. I hope you all get it, I'll think about it and sort it out later, though. You see I have a lot of exams starting from this week and until the 25th June. It's gonna be awful because I'm not even sure I'll pass, it's mostly sciencey stuff and I suck at sciencey things. Like, really. Why the L didn't I go in literature classes. I'm so dumb sometimes XD
> 
> I will continue to publish on this until the moment Steve dies, and until the winteriron ending. 
> 
> And then I will create a serie where Steve comes back. And Bucky and Tony forgive him, stuckony ending, but not necessarily happy, it'll depend how you look at it. 
> 
> Only after, when I'll have the time, will I write and publish the first AU.
> 
> \--------------------
> 
> On a happier and less serious note, I had a Natasha centered fic idea. So expect to see one show up on my profile in a few days, because omg, I love my own idea (thank gosh, how could I ever write it otherwise)
> 
> The fic will most likely be named "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead"  
> And I know. Angst. So much angst. But you're addicts and Natasha centered fics are quite rare so I know most of you are interested. x) (or maybe im wrong and you don't care)  
> I don't think anyone will be in a relationship with anyone, just natasha&avengers friendship.  
> ... I love it so much I'm gonna start writing tonight. Or now.  
> Don't worry I'm not forgetting the hardest choice it's barely an OS, at most a short multi chaptered fic
> 
> PS : THERE IS A MUSIC VIDEO TO GO WITH THIS CHAPTER ! PLEASE LISTEN TO IT IT IS NOT POPULAR ENOUGH : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk22HeEDbuE  
> Of course I was only inspired by the vibes ya see ? But it's so great. Please watch it. And the song. The song omg ! Anyway leave a comment under the video, it deserves it.
> 
> PPS : I also had, since chapter 5, the idea of publishing a sort of bonus thingy where you get to read all the scene I deleted (as if they didn't happen), and where I will write scenes I didn't show (like, in chapter 11, a bucky&tony moment I totally ignored in order to maintain the angst), as well as ideas that could have been or rants to explain the characters. If it interests you, comment about it, and I'll be sure to publish it sooner.

Steve was curled up under his sheets. He didn't want to see the world outside, he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Bucky. He was so full of shame, of self hatred. 

Flashes of the past kept haunting him, dead memories full of warm sunshine and laugher, but also darker ones, and those were the only ones that felt real.

Bucky in his uniform, smiling at him like everything would be alright.

It would not. The war was about to take him, to take them both. 

Tony looking up from his work, his serious face melting into a loving one once his eyes settled on Steve.

Steve would never get to see that again.

Running after Bucky when they were still kids. Climbing on a tree, trying to get the highest they could, teasing each other and laughing. Bucky reading him stories when he was sick.

Oh, how Steve missed his innocence. As tears troubled his vision, the memories started to blend together, sending Steve to a place somewhere between the past and the recent memories, but he could no longer tell the difference. He was lost.

Tony slipping on an oil stain on the ground and falling. Steve running to him, concerned, while the inventor couldn't stop laughing. So Steve had burst out laughing too.

“Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own.”  
Ironman falling towards the ground.  
“GRAB MY HAND !”  
“Thing is.. You don't have to.”  
A scream. Bucky. Gone. Just like that.  
“Bucky ?”  
“Big man in a suit of armor..Take that off, what are you ?”  
“You must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are.”  
“Who the hell is Bucky ?”  
“Everything special about you came from a bottle.”  
“You've been asleep Cap. For almost seventy years.”  
“The world has changed, and none of us can go back.”

Steve wished he could just die already. 

If only Bucky was there to comfort him. But he didn't deserve it after what he had done to Tony, and he hadn't seen the other supersoldier last night anyway. His lover had never come to bed. Bucky probably already knew. 

There was a knock on his door. He didn't answer. 

“Mister Rogers, Natasha Romanov wishes to come in.”

He kept silent.

The door opened a few seconds later, and he heard light footsteps heading to the bed, before he felt Natasha's weight on the bed as she sat next to him.

“Steve.” She greeted.

“Nat.” He answered, and his voice was raw from crying. 

“What have you done, Steve ?” The question was asked in a soft voice, but it made strangled sobs shake Steve's frame. 

“I fucked up. Oh gosh I fucked everything up” He cried. Tears started streaming down his face.

“What happened ?”

Steve cried harder.

“I hate myself !” 

“Steve. What Happened.” Natasha insisted.

“I'm awful, I, I had to choose, and I hurt him ! I hurt him and I'm still hurting him and I don't know what to do, oh my god I don't know what to do I'm so lost, I thought I was doing the right thing but now Ton-Tony is so broken and I thought he would be alright, I thought he didn't really love me, I tho-” Steve's voice died in his throat, and for several seconds he suffocated over the ball of emotions in his throat. 

“I thought I loved Bucky more. But I love them both just as much.” 'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die !' He wanted to add. But Natasha wouldn't care, she probably would tell him to go do it and release the world from the bully he had become.

Natasha didn't say anything for a few minutes.

“Is Tony alright ?” The blond asked in a small voice.

“Black eye, three broken ribs.”

Steve whimpered. He was a monster. A fucking monster who should have stayed in the past, should have died in that plane. 

“Does Bucky know ?”

“I don't know.” Answered the spy. 

“The others ?”

“Yes. I'm not sure they will want you around for the next few weeks, maybe months, Steve.”

When Steve finally poked his head out of the armor of sheets he had wrapped around himself to block out the world, there was no one in the room. 

For the first time in his very long life, he felt truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THE BEGINNING NOTES THEY CONTAIN IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND WATCH THE TAGS THEY ARE GOING TO CHANGE !!!!
> 
> Okay, that being said, what did you think ? Satisfying to watch him be miserable I guess. Natasha was cold, only wanting information, but she also doesn't forget Steve is her friend. She's just very, very mad at him, and it's going to last for a long moment. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to say what you think in the comments. As you can see, I take your opinion into consideration, but do not expect me to do anything I don't want to do. I am the master of my own fanfiction, last I've heard. King (well Queen but oh gowd I wanna know what it feels like to be a boy) of my own little universes. 
> 
> Speaking of... Next chapter's title is "King". 
> 
> It's Bucky centered, and I don't remember Steve being there at all. However Tony makes an apparition.
> 
> short extract (did you know those are really hard to select, like, what the hell am I spoiling today ? Oh no not that, too spoily, not that, they'll get the wrong expectations, not that either it's boring...) : 
> 
> \--------------------
> 
>  
> 
> “Brother of Winter, are you okay ?” Thor questionned, concerned.
> 
> Bucky put his chin on Thor's shoulder and returned the hug while observing the two spies, who were sharing glances.
> 
> “Bucky,” Natasha sighed and waited for the soldier to look her in the eye. “This is about you. You need to know that you're free. You can get your own place and spend your days at the tower, or get your own place and just stay there all the time, or simply stay at the tower, and no one will judge your actions. You're free, Bucky.”
> 
> \------------------------
> 
> I really couldn't choose today... ugh it's so hard when I don't have one of my two betas connected to help me choose. well I call them betas but one if my adopted spidey (she left a very kind review on the last chap) and the other is a friend. 
> 
> Till next chapters ! I love you all ! <3


	11. King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky takes back the crown of his own kingdom, the one no one should have ever taken from him : himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chapter might seem weird, but it's meaningful. In this chapter, Bucky starts to gain back control over his life, with the help of Thor, Clint, and Natasha.
> 
> SPEAKING OF NATASHA !!!! I HAVE AN IMPORTANT INFO FOR ALL THE NATASHA FANS AND ANGST ADDICTS !  
> I am currently writing a fanfiction named "Two can keep a secret" and it's Natasha centric because there are not enough of those fics out there. I don't think I ever read more than ten of them, both in english and french.   
> \------------------------------  
> Anyway, the plot is, Natasha has a secret she is so ashamed of that she won't even tell Clint. A woman from the Red Room, Darya, arrives and use the secret to blackmail Natasha into making the others think she is an old and trustworthy friend.   
> And then said secret arrives at the tower, and is found by Clint. The secret asks "Where's my mommy ?"  
> Clint's first reaction is "Shit, someone de-aged the team again."  
> \------------------------------  
> GOING BACK TO THE HARDEST CHOICE !
> 
> So, this chapter is very very cool. Like, so cool. I loved writing it. But I might have to publish chapter 12 in two days.. I publish one chapter a day. On the whole profile. So if i publish the first chap of two can keep a secret tomorow, there will not be a chapter 12 for you all. I'm sorry, but I'm at chap 13 on the writing process, so I need to write faster, or have a little more time to write at least chap 14.
> 
> That being said, you might have a good surprise tomorow if I get inspired tonight and write a lot, which have 60% chances of happening. It increases with the positive reviews I get because yes, honest compliments will get you anywhere you want with me, I know, I'm so weak.
> 
> If you read all that, contragulation, you are now like my friends, able to listen to my infinite rants about everything and nothing at all.

Bucky sat in the living room, watching the Lord of the Rings. He had been really happy to learn that Tolkien's masterpieces had been made into movies. The soldier hadn't seen Steve in the last couple of days, but he was ok with that. It had only been a dozen of days since he woke up, and he wanted to discover things and make friends by himself now. Maybe the other supersoldier had figured that out too. 

“Hey Buck, catching up on all the popculture ?” Called Clint as he walked in the room. 

“Yeah. I like the books better though. I didn't picture the characters like that when I read them.”

Clint sat down next to him on the couch and put his legs on his lap. Bucky tensed at the unexpected contact, but it felt nice, so he slowly relaxed. 

He could feel the spy's eyes on him.

“Buck, are you ok with being here ? At the Tower I mean.”

The question startled the soldier.

“What ? Why ? Of course I am.”

“Come on Buck, don't think we don't notice how you seem to avoid Steve and Tony as much as possible.” Said Natasha, sitting on the other side of Bucky. The soldier startled.

“Is she always like that ?” Asked Bucky to Clint, who chuckled but didn't answer.

“Bucky, this is important. You need to know that you're not a prisoner here, you can get your own place.”

The soldier suddenly remembered Bruce's words.   
“I wish Bucky would go away.”  
“I like the guy, but Tony's not the same. It's like all that's left is an empty shell.”  
“I'm sorry. About Tony. I know it's my fault. You're right, I'll go.” Bucky mumbled, staring at the floor. 

“Natasha, this guy needs a hug.” Stated the bowman very seriously. “THOR !” Clint called.

Bucky still refused to look up. He felt so guilty, Tony's black eyed face and sad eyes refused to leave his mind. 

And then two strong arms lifted him from the couch and wrapped him in a hug. 

And it felt... Bucky sighed. Nice. 

“Brother of Winter, are you okay ?” Thor questionned, concerned.

Bucky put his chin on Thor's shoulder and returned the hug while observing the two spies, who were sharing glances.

“Bucky,” Natasha sighed and waited for the soldier to look her in the eye. “This is about you. You need to know that you're free. You can get your own place and spend your days at the tower, or get your own place and just stay there all the time, or simply stay at the tower, and no one will judge your actions. You're free, Bucky.”

Bucky opened his mouth, and closed it. He was still pressed against Thor and he felt protected, accepted even in his vulnerability. He felt like a little brother. 

“Buck, we're not pressuring you into making any choice right now. You've got time. Take as long as you want to figure it out, okay ?” Clint looked so serious, Bucky wasn't used to see him like that. He had thought that the bowman was more of a joker.

“Okay” He repeated. 

Thor released him only to guide him to the couch and settle between Natasha and Clint so that Bucky had now an archer on one side, and a god on the other. When Natasha put her legs on all of the men's laps, Bucky felt warmth blossom in his chest. These persons were his friends. 

The soldier then refocused on the movie, but not for long. 

“I wish to see one of those spies movies !” Boomed Thor out of the blue.

Clint burst out laughing. “Why the fuck would you want that, Thor ?”

“I must learn about my friends' work !” Replied Thor, beaming at Clint and Bucky. Behind him, Natasha smirked and talked to Clint in sign language.

'Show him the crappiest one possible' she signed.

Bucky kept his face blank, deciding to hide the fact that he knew sign language for now. Deep down, he knew he was being sneaky, but he couldn't help it. 

“Alright big guy, I know just the movie to show you !” Clint told Thor.

They watched something about a man on a 'secret' mission with the maturity of a ten years old destroy eveverything all the time and give his name to everyone he met. Talk about undercover.   
Clint and Natasha weren't paying much attention to the movie, though. Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky could see her signing with Clint. They used a sign language only taught to spies because it was discrete. If one wasn't looking for it, they wouldn't even notice it.

How Bucky knew that language was a mystery.

'We can't let Bucky be on his own'

'We won't.' Clint replied

'He needs us to be there' Added Natasha. 'Look, how relaxed he is now'

'If he gets his own place, we'll visit him often.'

Bucky had trouble hiding his blush. They were talking about him. He didn't like being the center of attention, but at the same time it meant they cared.  
“I want to be a spy !” Boomed Thor, making Clint and Bucky jump. Natasha only raised an eyebrow.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later, Bucky ran into Tony. Neither of them had been paying attention.

Bucky had been haunted by the cruel voices again, and the scream of terrified people. People he had killed.

Tony had been focused on his Starkpad, trying to think of a more effective way of building Clint's explosive arrows, and avoid anything that had to do with any supersoldier.

The choc would have sent Tony to the ground if Bucky hadn't catched him. 

What followed was a total mess.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Thor who found them. 

Tony was curled up against one wall of the corridor, shaking, eyes and cheeks wet with tears, and his breathing was jerky. He wasn't really there. Thor knew that look, he had seen it on way too many warriors : his brother of iron was stuck in terrible memories.

Bucky was sitting against the opposite wall, looking straight ahead, but not seeing anything. It was the same look. Thor wondered what happened but decided that it wasn't the moment. He needed to help them.

“Brother of Winter ? Bucky ?” He asked first. He knew the man had a dark side, and that it was dangerous to ignore him to pay attention to Tony first. The god had to check if Bucky was himself.

Bucky turned an unfocused gaze on him, and said something in russian. "Ready to comply" Translated the god's All Speak.

“He said : ready to comply” Translated Natasha. 

Thor turned to her, surprised. He hadn't noticed her coming.  
“JARVIS told me Tony is having a panic attack. I think Bucky is having trouble telling the past from the present. We might have to call for a code Winter.”

“Code Winter ?” Repeated Thor while kneeling next to the supersoldier, who was staring at him with empty eyes.

“What is the mission ?” Asked the Winter Soldier.

Natasha took a few steps towards Bucky, placing herself between him and Tony.

“The mission is fall asleep.” Natasha told him. 

Immediately the soldier closed his eyes, and started slowing his breathing. Thor settled next to the Winter Soldier, determined to watch over his friend, but his eyes were on Tony.

“Will our brother of iron be alright ?” Questionned Thor.

Natasha was crouching next to Tony and speaking to him softly. She turned to nod at him before continuing to talk to the inventor about the date, the place and the recent events, then stopping and breathing loudly while JARVIS took over to speak about SI recent activities.

Slowly, the genius' eyes became more aware of the real world, and his breathing returned to normal. 

“Tasha ?” He asked, confused.

“Yes. Are you okay, Tony ?” She replied, putting a hand on his cheek and another on his shoulder. She knew friendly touches from people he trusted comforted him. 

“What happened ?” Tony was watching Thor and Bucky, who had fallen asleep and was now leaning against the god.

“I found you and our brother of winter in the corridor, you both were trapped in your pasts.” Explained Thor quietly, so he would not wake Bucky.

“Did the Winter Soldier...?” Asked Tony, fearing the answer. 

“Yes, but not quite. He was listening to orders, he didn't care that we weren't Hydra.” Replied Natasha.

“Ok. Alright. We can work with that.” Breathed Tony, already thinking of ways to totally and finally get rid of the Winter Soldier.

“I don't think it would be a good idea, Tony. The soldier is a part of him now. He is not who Steve used to know. It's pointless to try to turn Bucky back into was he used to be.” Natasha said, squeezing Tony's shoulder in a comforting way.

Only then Tony realized just how vulnerable he was being right now.

“Ok uh, I'm gonna go, got work to be done and all that.”

Thor frowned.

“I am not leaving one of my mindwounded brothers alone !” He boomed, making Bucky frown and move in his sleep. 

Upon seeing that, Tony stood up and took a few steps away from the others.

“I will, uh, go work with Brucie then.” He said in a shaky voice.

Natasha stared at him, reading him and his lie.

“I will check on that, you know. You better go to Bruce for real.” 

Tony's shoulders slumped. “Yes, mom.” He sighed.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Tony, are you okay ? What happened ? Natasha just called me to tell me you had a panic attack.”

“Apparently I ran into Bucky.” Replied Tony in a monotone voice. He was so tired.

Bruce frowned.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Clint was heading to the kitchen on the communal floor to see if he could steal some of Bruce's food – the scientist's food was the best – when he saw Thor and Bucky sitting against a wall. They seemed to be leaning against each other. Clint smirked when he realized they were asleep, and silently left the corridor to go get a few things.

He quickly made the flower crowns and put a few petals on their clothes and around them, before putting the crowns on their heads. 

He took a few pictures, and then left them there, snickering while he walked away quietly. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bucky woke up to Thor laughing loudly. 

“We have been crowned my friend ! Princes of flowers !” Laughed the god.

Bucky frowned, trying to hold back his laugh as he assessed the situation. They had indeed been crowned.

“I'm not the prince of flowers.” He said in a dark tone.

Thor's smile disappeared, and he stared at Bucky in confusion, his whole body going tense and preparing to fight the Winter Soldier.

“I'm the king of flowers.” The soldier continued, very seriously.

They burst out laughing.

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

That night, Bucky went to Steve's room and stood in the doorway. Steve was curled up under the covers. 

“You did it, didn't you ? You hit Tony.” He asked the blond in a low voice.

There was a long silence.

“Yes.” Steve's voice was hoarse. It sounded like he had spent the day crying. Bucky would have comforted him, had the situation been any different. Now ? Steve deserved it. He would feel better in a few days anyway.

“I'm going to move out of the Tower. Find an appartment somewhere, but not Brooklyn.”

Steve didn't answer. After a while, Bucky left the room.

\------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm the king of flowers" x) I laughed so hard while writing this. 
> 
> So, I uh had that idea of publishing the deleted scenes and a few bonus scenes. There is a deleted scene in chapter 5, two bonus scenes that I could write in this chapter, and several other bonus and deleted scenes in the other chapters, and I think I told you all about it but you must have forgotten because I didn't get your feedback : would you like that to happen ? Or should I focus on the story ?
> 
> Don't forget that it's normal if chapter 12 doesn't show up tomorow, it's because I published the beginning of Two Can Keep a Secret. Really, go read it when it shows up. It's going to be awesome. 
> 
> Chapter 12's title : .... It has no title. Shit. I forgot to name it. Wait a few minute imma read it again.
> 
> Ok, found it, it will be : Mission : Protect.
> 
> And yes. Yes the Winter Soldier is coming back. But, even better. He slowly becomes an Avenger.
> 
> \-----------------------------
> 
> “Hey, Bucky, buddy, how are you doing ?” Tony tried to act casual, but even he could hear how wary he sounded. The Winter Soldier was a threat, it always had been.
> 
> “I am the Winter Soldier. The Asset” Corrected Bucky's voice, but it sounded flat, almost dark.
> 
> “Oh so hum, Winter Soldier. What are you doing ? What's your plan ?”
> 
> “Kill the robots.”
> 
> “Okay..” 
> 
> There was a short silence while Tony focused on blowing up a dozen of robots. 
> 
> “The mission is on the ground.” Informed the Winter Soldier. “Waiting for orders.”
> 
> “What ? What mission ?” 
> 
> “Target : Captain America. Mission : kill. No witnesses. Ready to finish the mission, waiting for orders.”  
> \-----------------------------------


	12. Mission : Protect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robots are everywhere. The Avengers are called. They fight. It doesn't go well for Captain "I don't eat" America.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : I think that Cap not eating is considered anorexia ? Yep, he's captain self destructive right now. 
> 
> So.. Yeah. I didn't get a lot of reviews on last chapter. Where are you all ? I can't write for anonyms, it's boring ! And pointless, I'm trying to get better at writing. If I don't get feedback, how am I supposed to know if you're liking it or not ? I get that you don't have the time, I do, but pretty please ? *puppy eyes* 
> 
> XD speaking of puppy eyes, you're gonna love chapter 14... Or maybe not. Ok no more spoilers I always spoil everything.
> 
> Oh wanna be jealous of me ? I have those english orals to prepare for bac, coz I'm french and all, and I have four orals to do, and one of the notions is Myths and Heroes. I looked at it and I went "MARVEL." so now I am taking a break just to publish this chapter but then I go back to explaining how the marvel cinematic universe is a reflection of how our society is now. I am going to have so much fun doing this... Except the first part of the oral is about superman. And superman traumatized me with that woman who turned into a killer robot in one of those old movies. I was too young to see that ! Godamnit, parents !  
> So yeah, studying superman brings back bad memories, but I'll do it. *puts on ridiculously brave face* Because I can't go to germany til I finish my homework, uh Peter ? ;)
> 
> Anyway, as you can see, I didn't publish the natasha thing yet... Because I can't find the time to write with all those orals to prepare ! I have four of them in spanish and three and a half in english ! It's for the first week of june ! I am going to diiiieeee ! But at the same time I don't want to abandon you guys, and writing makes me forget about all the stress, so I'll try my best to give you one chapter a day, or every two days. Sounds okay with you all ?

Steve woke up to a silent room, and an empty hole in his chest.

Bucky was gone. Again. Steve made him go away. 

It was Steve's fault.

'I fucked up.' He thought. 

His stomach growled. When was the last time he ate ? 

'Before hurting Tony. That's when I last ate.'

Steve stood up, and his head spinned. He needed to eat something.

He didn't feel hungry, though. 

However his logic told him that he had to. So he got dressed and went to the communal kitchen. Clint was making french toast. 

“Hi, Clint”

“Rogers.” Answered the archer in a cold tone.

Steve froze. 

“Could I get some french toasts too please ?” The blond asked, trying to act casual.

“No. Go make your food on your own floor.” Came the icy answer. 

Steve stared at the back of the bowman for a few seconds, throat tightenned, before getting up, head spinning and nausea rising, and going back to his floor.

There was nothing in the fridge.

He went back to bed.

\--------------------------------------------

“Captain Rogers, I believe it has been a week since you have not eaten. I recommend you eat something as soon as possible” JARVIS' voice broke the silence of Steve's room.

Steve opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, not moving.

If he could just die there. Forgotten by the world. 

'It would be a good death' he decided, and closed his eyes again.

\--------------------------------------------

He was woken up by the avengers call. There was a bad guy in town. Again. It had been calm for the last few months. What was he hoping, peace never lasts.

He suited up before grabbing his shield and running outside. His vision was troubled, and there were black dots dancing everywhere. Where had all his strength gone ?

There were robot killers everywhere, in the streets, in the sky, both in and on the buildings. He couldn't quite figure out what was happening. Someone told him to go fight somewhere, he went there. Everything was so confused. He hit robot after robot, but it didn't make any sense. His vision kept going black for a few seconds and then coming back to almost normal, only to do it again. 

He got shot by one of the robots. He couldn't bring himself to be fast enough to dodge all the shots, and he was getting hit more and more. He fell on his knees, and stayed there for a few seconds, trying to will his vision to focus. He stood up again and looked around, wondering why none of the robots were hitting him anymore. Strangely enough, the robots seemed to die one after the other, Steve didn't even need to touch them. 

He caught a glimpse of a metal arm before his vision blurred one more time, and then faded to black as he vaguely felt himself fall to the ground.

\--------------------------------------------

“Sir, I believe Captain Rogers is not feeling well” JARVIS informed Tony as he shot robot after robot. Those things were weak, it was ridiculous, however there was so many of them that they still constitued a huge threat for the city. 

“Hey guys” He called in the earpiece.

“Yeah ?” Replied Hawkeye. 

“Cap isn't feeling okay, could you check on him or something ?”

There was a short silence. Tony didn't like that at all. Who the hell showed hesitation at the thought of checking on their teammate ? 

“Hm, Has something happened that I don't know about ?”

“No” Replied Natasha. “I'll check on him.” She added, but her tone was colder.

Were they mad at Steve or something ? But they couldn't possibly know about what he did to Tony, could they ?

Two minutes later the redhead informed the team with a bored tone that Captain America was able to fight, and Tony was about to go check on the supersoldier just to be sure, when JARVIS' voice filled his helmet. The AI sounded tense.

“Sir, the Winter Soldier is asking for a mission.”

“WHAT ?” Tony exclaimed, startling everyone, who immediately demanded to know what was happening.

“The Winter fucking Soldier is asking for a mission, that's what happening ! What the fuck !” 

Natasha's calm voice rose above the rest of the avengers'.

“Tell him to kill the robots. He is not with Hydra anymore and he knows it.”

“JARVIS, you heard her.” Said Tony. He trusted the spy with his life. If she said the Winter Soldier was safe for now, he trusted her. The question was, how and when did she find out ?

\--------------------------------------------

Bucky had been in one of the guests room of the Tower when he heard the call. Tony had heard about him wanting to find a place of hiw own and insisted that he would find it for him, and make it a safe place. So he was stuck here, waiting to be free. He didn't mind that much, though. Knowing that the inventor cared enough to find him a safe place and pay for everything felt... Very nice. And warm. 

He had also grown used to JARVIS. He liked the AI, it was one of the things that made him feel like he was in a science-fiction novel, but in a good way. He asked as many questions as he could. Everytime he was alone in a room and felt confused about something, anything, he could ask the AI and it would answer. What was the most amazing was that it was almost as if the AI actually liked Bucky back.

“JARVIS, what's happening ?”

“I believe there are killer robots destroying the city, Sergeant Barnes. I would advice you to stay safe and therefore not go outside.”

Something went cold in his chest. In his head, a voice that sounded just like his own spoke in russian. 

/Let me take control/ It said, but there was no threat, no danger in its tone.

Bucky took a step back.

“JARVIS, who's speaking ?”

/Me, don't be afraid. We're not with Hydra anymore. We can fight for whoever we want./

“No one is speaking, Sergeant Barnes. Are you feeling alright ?”

“Who's 'me' ?!” Demanded Bucky.

/The Winter Soldier. Let me take control. They need us to fight with them, and I am a better fighter than you will ever be./

Bucky closed his eyes.

“Sergeant Barnes ?”

The Winter Soldier opened them.

“No.” He answered in russian.

The AI was silent for a moment, and the Asset didn't move.

“Winter Soldier.” Stated JARVIS.

“What is my mission ?” He spoke in russian again. He could speak english, but it felt wrong. English was Bucky's language, just like russian was the Winter Soldier's.

The AI fell silent once again.

“Kill the robots.” The british voice spoke, and that's all the soldier needed to start moving. On his way, he grabbed an earpiece. He needed to be able to get orders if there was a change of plan.

\--------------------------------------------

“JARVIS, how are our supersoldiers doing ?” Asked Tony while blasting robot after robot's head off.

“The Winter Soldier is currently fighting his way towards Captain Rogers' location. However I do not believe it is intentional.”

“Does he have an earpiece ?”

“Yes.”

“Put me on a private channel with him.”

“Done, sir.”

“Hey, Bucky, buddy, how are you doing ?” Tony tried to act casual, but even he could hear how wary he sounded. The Winter Soldier was a threat, always had been.

“I am the Winter Soldier. The Asset” Answered Bucky's voice, but it sounded flat, almost dark.

“Oh so hum, Winter Soldier. What are you doing ? What's your plan ?”

“Kill the robots.”

“Okay..” 

There was a short silence while Tony focused on blowing up a dozen of robots. 

“The mission is on the ground.” Informed the Winter Soldier. “Waiting for orders.”

“What ? What mission ?” 

“Target : Captain America. Mission : kill. No witnesses. Ready to finish the mission, waiting for orders.”

“No ! Don't finish the mission ! New mission, protect the target !” Exclaimed Tony, his heart jumping in his chest.

“JARVIS, what is the situation ?” 

“Captain Rogers seems to have fainted and is on the ground. The Winter Soldier is killing any robot that comes near them.”  
“O-Okay. That's good, I guess.” Decided Tony before focusing on his own mission : killing as much of those damn robots as possible. He couldn't stop worrying about Steve, though. 

\--------------------------------------------

When the dust settled on the battlefield that had become the streets, the Winter Soldier approached the rest of the Avengers, who were gathered around one of the dead robots while Tony Stark, who had stepped out of the Ironman suit, analysed it. The Asset was carrying the target, bridal style. His expression was as blank as usual, but his gaze kept shifting between the avengers, the dead robots, and Steve's unconscious body in his arms.

“It's like... They were made to be weak, intentionally. But look at these. Cameras and microphones. They were observing us.” Tony Stark was saying. He sounded tense.

The tone of the genius made the soldier stop, looking around for any potential threats. He found none. His grip on the blond supersoldier relaxed a little.

The two spies noticed him first. They walked towards him calmly, and their body language showed that they meant no harm. 

“Soldier.” Greeted Black Widow. 

The Asset nodded. “Current mission : keep target safe. Target status : injured. Doctors are needed.”

Hawkeye looked at the target. “He's breathing. His pulse is normal, if not a bit weak. He looks paler than usual. He aslo have several wounds caused by the robots' lasers. We might need Bruce, the soldier is right.”

The Winter Soldier's eye widened the slightest bit at the approval : he did right. He wasn't going to get hurt. Maybe his mind wouldn't get wiped either ? 

\--------------------------------------------

Tony, the Winter Soldier, Natasha and Bruce were all in the infirmary an hour later, watching an unconscious supersoldier. The Winter Soldier was holding one of Steve's wrist, feeling the soldier's pulse.

There was a tense and heavy silence in the room. 

“Is he going to be alright ?” Asked Tony in a small voice. He couldn't stop himself from caring, even though he didn't want to have anything to do with Steve. He hated it, but he couldn't stop loving Steve. 

“Why do you care ?” Replied Bruce, turning to Tony and looking him in the eye. 

And oh gosh, Brucie was pissed. Why was he so pissed ?

“Uh, hm, because he's our teammate ? And our uh” Tony's voice trembled. "Friend ?"

“You call a man who leaves bruises on you, and breaks your ribs, a friend ?” Natasha's tone was icy, but somehow Tony knew it wasn't against him. Not totally. 

Wait. 

They knew ?! His heart dropped in his chest.

“How do you know about that ?!” He demanded.

“You really thought we wouldn't figure it out ? Tony. You shouldn't try to hide those things. We want to help you. And right now you need to stay away from Rogers.” Natasha answered.

“The question now, Tony, is what do you want to do, kick him out ?” Bruce seemed to be for that option.

The inventor's expression went cold. 

“Do not think that I am going to forgive him, but this is my business and mine only. The Avengers have nothing to do with this. I don't want to see Steve for a very long time, but we all still work as a team, and Captain America is an Avenger. No one is kicking anyone out." 

Natasha glanced quickly at the Winter Soldier, wondering if Bucky was hearing this. 

“I don't care, Tony. I don't want you near him.” Growled Bruce. “Or him” He added, pointed at the Winter Soldier, whose stare instantly focused on them, and... Was that fear Tony saw in his eyes ?

The inventor decided that it had been way too much time that he had been standing in the same room as his parents' killer and his ex-boyfriend, so he left, feeling the Soldier's eyes on him. 

\--------------------------------------------

Oh no, the Asset was going to get punished, in the end. The doctor seemed really angry at him. 

The Asset tensed when the spy from the Red Room approached him. He knew she was very good, he had fought her before. She could hurt him really bad. 

To his surprise, she took his hand, the one that was holding the target's wrist, and massaged it. 

"Don't be afraid. We're not going to hurt you, unless you decide to become a bad guy again and to hurt innocent people. But you did good today." She said in russian.

"Good Asset ?" The soldier asked in the same language.

"Good Asset." Replied the superspy, still in russian.

\--------------------------------------------

Natasha ordered the Winter Soldier to let Bucky out, and the soldier complied. 

Everyone but the redhead felt way too uncomfortable with giving the Winter Soldier orders, so she had decided that she would be her 'handler' as long as he struggled with free will. She hoped he would understand soon that he can make his own choices as long as they don't hurt anyone.

When Bucky came back to himself, he didn't seem that concerned by Steve's state. Not as concerned and panicked as a lover should be. There was some distance, and coldness, behind Barnes' eyes. Natasha wondered if he knew. He probably did. 

“Do you want to stay with him ?” She asked, just so he knew that it was okay.

“Is he going to be alright soon ?” Replied the grey eyed man.

“Yes, he'll wake up tomorrow, maybe sooner.” Answered Bruce. He really didn't care about Steve anymore and and made it known with the icy tone he used. 

“Then I'll just go back to the Tower and maybe talk to him later. Tony said my place would be ready tomorrow, no ?”

Natasha smiled. She was so happy that the man took his life in his own hands. She would miss him, but she sure as hell was going to visit as often as she could. She liked Bucky, and had grown to consider him as a friend, or at least a potential one.

\--------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... So what do you think of that new development ? And who's happy about the plot ??? Coz I rarely do anything like this, so I'm not sure if it's working out, but I guess you all can't know till it develops more.
> 
> And the Winter Soldier obeying the Avengers' orders ? How cool ? Sorry if you're offended that he's good in this fic or something, but I didn't want to bother with a wild Winter Soldier in the Tower when I'm trying to focus on feels, even tho it would have been very very angsty.
> 
> And Steve starting to act very self-destructive ? I bet all of you are going to be mad in the comments again because I'm doing it wrong. And yes I know, any normal human wouldn't be able to stand and fight for that long after a week of not eating, but I think Steve, being a supersoldier, can last longer, but not much longer because he has a fast metabolism. 
> 
> And Tony ? I know the chapter wasn't focused on him, but what did you think ? About him still caring and worrying about Steve, and trying to deal with this new winter soldier ?
> 
> Next chap's title is : It's Okay (I hear voices, they're cruel), It's Okay. 
> 
> So angsty. But also very very sad. I think I made myself cry while writing that chapter ? Cry inside, at least. 
> 
> The short extract is three extracts giving you an idea of how the next chapter will go : 
> 
> \----------------  
> Steve woke up alone.  
> \----------------  
> Bucky woke up alone.  
> \----------------  
> Tony woke up alone.  
> \----------------  
> In the Stuckony order lol, I didn't mean it. Don't forget to comment, it makes me sad and unproductive when you don't :'(


	13. It's Okay (I hear voices, they're cruel), It's Okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> … Wait. Bucky Barnes was making pancakes ?! (the author is not even sorry for that shitty summary)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I'm dead inside. Too much orals to make too much, too much, too much. But at least I got to analyse Thor Ragnarok ! Yay ! So I said that Thor gets beat up by two women AND the hulk and basically loses all forms of dignity including his kingdom and in infinity war SPOILERS he loses his people too. And bro. Yeah I know too soon but Dan Howell triggered me yesterday with his comment to Phil. Dan or Phil, I don't remember, starts talking about Phil not looking dead inside or something like that and Dan stops, has that smiles that just TELLS YOU YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET TRIGGERED and asks in the sweetest fake sweet voice : "Phil, how is Loki doing ?"... And that WAS TOO SOON OKAY ?! SPEAKING OF OKAY I'M NOT (i promise)
> 
> Too much references I should stop. Btw who caught the "my people skills are rusty" ref (supernatural, castiel) in the chapter were Bucky meets nat and clint ? 
> 
> Okay so I spent a bad day, my cat is sick and it's ugly, and if he dies I'm killing my dad (kidding. I'll just yell A LOT because it's him who doesn't want to bring him to the vet) but anyway i'll just keep calm because I have other things to worry about and really Sarah have some perspective at least you're not secretly dying from Palladium poisoning. And your dad is not a god planet who wants to dominate the universe. and you little brother isn't loki (oh god that would be so exhausting but amazing at the same time but mainly exhausting so I'll keep my little demonic blond nerd thank you) or other bad things that happen to superheroes. 
> 
> One of my friends keeps drawing stucky fanarts and it's really really hard not to give in and write stucky fluff instead of all this angst. Meaning I'm still at chap 14's last scene. That's because of all the work I gotta do all the time.. I hate it I hate working I HATE IT. (who likes it anyway ?)
> 
> SPEAKING OF MY FRIENDS every_fandom_trash and I are writing a clint whump (i think it's called like that) thingy. It's awesome. I gave the idea and she used her writing skills and I swear you're not holding your breath while you read you have a serious problem because I do not know of an angstier way of writing. It's beautifully painful x) I love it ! It's called (Don't) hold me. Prepare to see it pop up sometimes soon with the Natasha thing "Two can keep a secret" remember about that one ? Yeah it's coming, give me time. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I mostly ate pancakes in the past two days and I am very very stressed out. Meaning my writing may seem different. It's normal, it'll pass. (It'll show more in chap 14)

Steve woke up alone.

The infirmary was deserted. Not even doctor. No one but a note : “you are expected to leave as soon as you wake up.”

He could somehow hear Bruce's cold tone while reading the words.

He sat up and looked around him again, trying to wish his vision to stop blurring. His chest ached, and for a moment he thought it was only his unwelcomed emotions – he truy wished he couldn't feel anything anymore – but when he lifted his shirt just to be sure, he found a nasty burn, its circular form hinting that this was probably the result of being shot. Since he felt the same kind of pain on other parts of his bodies, he guessed he had been shot several times.

He looked back at the note and sighed.

Steve stood up, careful not to do it too quickly. Faint memories of his pre-serum years came back to him : he used to cling to Bucky, or let the man carry him on his back. The soldier liked to make a game out of it so the blond wouldn't feel too embarassed. 

The supersoldier closed his eyes. This time it was really his heart that ached.

\---------------------------------------

Bucky woke up alone.

He felt the sun on his skin, and for a moment he thought he in his Brooklyn appartment, in the 40s. Then he moved, and his improved senses picked up on the particular sound of the metal arm.

Everything came back to him. The war, Steve, Captain America, Hydra experiments, the fall, and then... Then what happened ?  
/Then I happened/ Replied a voice in his head... But it wasn't quite like a voice. More like an involuntary thought. 

The Winter Soldier. Then, the Winter Soldier happened. 

Then Steve. /The mission./ No, Steve. 

“My boyfriend.” He whispered silently to himself, tasting the words on his tongue. They felt wrong, knowing what Steve had done to Tony. 

/My mission./

“He is not your mission anymore !” Growled Bucky out loud. 

/He is. Mission : protect./

“What ?” Bucky was so confused.

/Iron-man ordered. The Asset no longer obeys to Hydra. The Asset is ready to comply to Avengers' orders. The Asset wants to keep us safe./

“Us ?”

/Us./ 

“Then go away ! Disappear ! Die !”

/NO !/

Bucky grabbed his head with his two hands, metal and flesh pulling at his soft long hair.

He let out a scream of pain, and the god of thunder came running.

\-------------------------------------------------------  
Thor ran into Bucky's room, panicked. He had heard the man's scream and hadn't hesitated for a second before bolting towards the supersoldier's room.

The dark haired man was holding his head, an expression of suffering on his face.

“Brother of Winter ? What's wrong ?” Thor tried to whisper, but he was never good at being quiet, and the man winced.

“My head” He whimpered. “There is a voice... The Winter Soldier. He talks to me. I want him GONE !” Bucky had roared the last word, in frustration and anger. A second later, he was moaning in pain and holding his head even harder. 

Thor sighed and evelopped the other man in a hug. Hopefully his brother of winter would feel better soon.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Tony woke up alone.

He had dreamt about not being alone in his bed again. The thing is that this time, it was Steve that was telling him sweet nothing while cuddling him. It was Bucky. 

This felt so, so weird. 

He could still see the man smiling at him, the same way he was smiling on Steve's drawings.  
A loving smile.

A smile that screamed “You are wanted ! He wants you ! He loves you !”

And just thinking about it, Tony felt warmth in his chest and stomach, and his heart skipped a beat before going nuts as he remembered the moment of the dream where Bucky had kissed him.

 

Then a loud, cruel voice at the back of his head reminded him that he wasn't allowed near Bucky, and it brought him back to reality harshly. 

Now wide awake, Tony decided he needed to socialize. It was absolutely not because he seeked comfort from his team mates. His team would never take the time to comfort him, he had made it pretty clear that he didn't want them to. Really, he did not want them to hug him and put a hand on his shoulder and just make him feel they're here. No. Nope.

On a more honest note, it was not to get food. He didn't see the point of eating, these days. He didn't feel hunger, and food had no taste. He ate once a day, but only because he knew his body needed the energy. 

He headed for the communal floor, lost in thoughts. He had a lot of repairs to do today due to the battle of the day before : Natasha's widow bites, Captain America's body armor, Thor's comms, as always...

“Tony ? Hello ? Earth to Tony do you copy ?” Clint called.

Tony jumped, dropping his coffee cup on the ground, causing it to shatter. The sound made memories of bombs and war and shrapnel tearing his insides appart play in front of his eyes. 

“Hey, Tone, no need to be so jumpy, it's alright, it's just us” Soothed Clint, and judging by the bowman's voice, the guy didn't understand the concept of 'leave Tony Stark alone he doesn't want your comfort' that the genius has tried to teach them all since they met. 

Wait. 'Us' ?

Tony, who had been staring at the shattered cup and spilled coffee until now, since he did not want to see Clint's concerned look, because as long as you don't see it it might not exist, quantum logic and all that, lifted his head and inspected the room.

And, shit.

The kitchen was crowded. Clint was sitting at the table, eating pancakes. Natasha was doing the exact same thing next to him, but she had more on her plate. Thor was watching Bucky Barnes make pancakes with interested eyes. 

… Wait. Bucky Barnes was making pancakes ?!

Tony blinked. 

Natasha seemed to read his thoughts. “Yup. He's making pancakes. They're delicious, you should try them.”

The mechanic started to panic.  
Steve's roars echoed in his head, and he flinched.  
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET CLOSE TO HIM ! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO HIM !”  
'Quick. Think. You can't stay. You can't stay in the same room as Bucky. You can't.' 

“I can leave.” Offered the voice Tony had dreamt about the night before. 

Tony breathed slowly. In, and out. Twice. 

“No. No it's okay. Stay.” Tony told Bucky, not looking the soldier in the eye. “Steve's not here, it's okay.” He then mumbled under his breath, staring at the broken cup again.

However, he was apparently still too loud, because everyone in the room tensed, their eyes darkening in anger.

“Brother of Winter, I do not believe the cakes of pan are supposed to look like this.” Thor informed Bucky.

Bucky turned back to the pan and stated in his usual quiet tone : “Shit. It's burning.”

“WHAT ? DO NOT BURN MY TOWER BARNES !” Exclaimed Tony dramatically, without thinking.

He would have done that joke with anyone on the team. But.. Not with a stranger.

Everyone looked at him for a couple of seconds, surprised, and then act as if everything was normal. However, on Bucky's lips, a faint smile was noticeable. 

The pancakes were delicious. Tony was delighted by the sensation of taste on his tongue again.

“You're my personal chef now, Bucky” Declared the inventor jokingly. He didn't actually expect the guy to say yes, it's not like Barnes was going to spend his time doing his magic for someone like Tony. 

“Okay.”

See ? Bucky would never, ever have accept... Wait. 

“What ??”

“I said okay.” Repeated Bucky, deadly serious.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Steve layed on the ground, surrounded by dozens and dozens of drawings. His blue eyes where opened but not aware of the world around him. He was somewhere else. It felt cold. Icy cold. He could not move. He could not do anything. No one could hear him. No one would ever save him. No one would ever find him. If anyone even cared to search.

Frozen. Trapped. Silently and internally screaming, all over again.

If someone had happened to be in the room with him at that moment, they would have noticed that there were drawings of two persons, always the same two men. 

One sometimes had a metal arm, but most of the times looked younger and was in an uniform. There was even a drawing or two of him as a kid. He was always smiling a ridiculously sweet and perfect smile, except on one drawing, where he was peacefully asleep. There was a drawing where the man had his back turned on the observer, and it seemed like he was cooking. 

The other had dark eyes full of emotions, and was almost always drawed next to, using, or tinkering on a piece of tech. There were drawings on him, asleep on a couch, or on his desk, surrounded by metal parts, coffee cups, tools and tech cards. There were drawings of him, arms wide open, smiling with charism to an audience. There were other drawings where he smiled more secretly, almost shyly. 

Steve sat suddenly, taking in a deep breath, as if he had been drowning. But his breathing wouldn't calm down. It wouldn't. He was on the train, Bucky just fell, he was alone, how could he ever calm down, it was so cold, everything was so cold, everywhere, and he couldn't move, couldn't call for help. Couldn't breathe. 

A small voice made itself heard in his head. A mess of whispered thoughts slowly turning into single, clear one. “It's okay. It's what you deserve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ? Bucky making pancakes for Tony ? Steve being his sad and traumatized self ? Good ? Not good ? I love comments :D
> 
> Ok so chapter 14's title is (at least for now) : You are everyone you Hate
> 
> And it's mainly from Steve's pov but there is some tony stark and bucky barnes interactions in there, especially at the end (the not yet written part that is tony FINALLY calling pepper about the situation)
> 
> Ok so extract now, kids x) 
> 
> \--------------------
> 
>  
> 
> Because you are everyone you hate   
> when you're asleep or awake   
> all the choices you've made 
> 
> you are everyone you hate   
> and it is ruining your life   
> _Giles Corey, “I am going to do it”.  
> \---------------------
> 
> Ok that's not really an extract but that's actually in the chapter and please go listen to that guy he's awesome.. In a depressive way. But still !
> 
> \-------------------  
> “Cap ? Lost your tongue ? Did it disappear with your valors ? Because, you know, you had everyone a little confused. You did say that you don't like bullies, right ?”
> 
> Steve looked at his skinny hands. They reminded him of his time before the serum.
> 
> “Right.” He replied silently.
> 
> “No matter where they're from, right ?”  
> “Right.”
> 
> “And what if they're from Brooklyn, and I don't know, named... Steve Rogers.”
> 
> Steve didn't answer. He knew where this was going.  
> \------------  
> You might be angry at clint's behavior in the next chapter. Just warning you, you know. Coz they're all being idiots so Clint thought "oh yeah I'll joing the party" But do not worry, it's all gonna get worse before it gets better.


	14. You are everyone you hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a month since Steve hit Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, guess what, I'm exhausted. That's what I get from going to sleep at 2am. Go to sleep early, kids. Grown ups too, actually. 
> 
> Okay so today was a total mistake. I mean I got scolded by almost every teacher, coz I draw A LOT in class and these days my anxiety is worse so I draw even more, really you should see my copybooks, they're covered in drawings and colors. Mostly random stuff, sometimes Avengers, sometimes Bucky, sometimes quotes that I wanna include in the Hardest Choice. 
> 
> I also had a lot of ideas today... My friends almost killed me when I told them what I was about to do to everyone. And then I said that I'm bringing Loki in this mess. As a good guy (mostly, he's on his own side ya know, but sometimes that means Thor's too and Thor loves Bucky so much and Loki is like I PROTECC TOO LOOK BROTHER HE'S SAFE) That idea actually saved my life. Because today I decided of the chapter 16, and you will hate me when you read it. But for now, enjoy the almost fluff and let me live. ^^
> 
> Oh ! And the Natasha thing is coming soon. Really soon. Maybe today.

Because you are everyone you hate   
when you're asleep or awake   
all the choices you've made 

you are everyone you hate   
and it is ruining your life   
_Giles Corey, “I am going to do it”. 

It had been a month since Steve hit Tony. A month since Steve Rogers had stopped opening his mouth for something other than strategy or what was necessary. He gave short answers, and his voice stayed quiet. Ironman and Black Widow had taken the lead of the team, and no one had discussed it. Thor had been offered the post but the Prince had refused, saying that it would spoil his fun while in battle. A month since everyone on the team started being cold and distant with him. Well except for Clint. Clint was aggressive. The archer spit his venom on the supersoldier at any given occasion.

And Steve took it without replying. Because there was no use, the archer wouldn't stop. And Steve deserved it. 

“So, how would you like your eggs, Cap ?” Asked Clint in fake-politeness. 

That was another thing. It had been a month since anyone had called him Steve. 

“Cap ? Lost your tongue ? Did it disappear with your valors ? Because, you know, you had everyone a little confused. You did say that you don't like bullies, right ?”

Steve looked at his skinny hands. They reminded him of his time before the serum.

“Right.” He replied silently.

“No matter where they're from, right ?”  
“Right.”

“And what if they're from Brooklyn, and I don't know, named... Steve Rogers.”

Steve didn't answer. He knew where this was going.

“Oh no, this one you love ! Because he is Captain fucking America and he can hit his boyfriend if he wants to !”

The supersoldier's vision blurred.

“Oh, you're gonna cry ?? Booh fucking hoo. Poor you. What do you think Tony felt ? You abandonned him ! All this because Bucky came back ! You really thought Tony would just be... What ? Fine ? You made him miserable !”

Hot tears burned Steve's cheeks as they rolled on his face. 

“And now he's crying. You're so weak.”

Clint was about to keep going when Tony entered the room. The archer murmured under his breath in a dark tone : “Go away. Now.”

Steve stood up and left, ignoring his empty stomach and spinning head.

\----------------------

“What was that about ?” Questionned Tony as Steve left the room.

“I don't want him near you.”

“I don't want him near you either.” Stated Bucky matter of factly as he entered the room too. “Breakfast ?” He asked Clint, his tone hopeful.

Tony's mind paused for a second. Bucky wanted to protect him from Steve ? No. It was just out of jealousy. 

“You could make it yourself, you cook way better than me. Look at my eggs, they don't even look eatable.”

“I'd eat them” Replied Tony, walking around the kitchen and choosing a chair away from Bucky. 

The grey eyed man did the puppy eyes. And damn, he did it well. 

Clint caved in within two seconds. And that was not normal. Tony needs at least one minute to manipulate Clint with his puppy eyes, and the inventor is very good at this art. All of this to say : Bucky's puppy eyes are a masterpiece.

Clint and Bucky, who were now eating, choked and looked at him. Barnes was blushing, and Tony looked at him in complete confusion and wonder, because oh gosh, what a cutie when he blushed and...

“You said that out loud, Tone. Just in case you hadn't noticed.”

Tony froze. 

“Which one have I said out loud ?!” He asked, panicked. 

They was a silence, and Bucky blushed harder, looking away this time.

“The puppy eyes one ?” Clint seemed thoughtful for a second, and then smirked. “Why ? What was the other one ?”

It was Tony's turn to blush.

\-----------------------------------

Steve sat in his room, looking at all his drawings. They covered the ground now. They were mostly drawings of Tony and Bucky, but now the other Avengers had their drawings too. There was one drawing were everyone was sitting in the living room, reading, watching a movie, playing cards, or sleeping. Steve had added Bucky and thought that this could have happened, had he not fucked everything up. 

“Captain Rogers, I advice you eat now before I have to call for help” Said JARVIS. 

Surprisingly, the AI sounded almost concerned. Steve laughed weakly at that.

“How come you're the only who doesn't hate me, JARVIS ?” 

“I do not believe anyone hates you in this Tower, Captain Rogers.”

“Then why do they act like they do ?”

“After analysing your recent interaction with the team and their vital signs at the time of the interactions, I believe they feel anger towards you, Captain.” Replied the AI.

“And you ? Why aren't you angry ? I hurt your creator.”

“And now everyone is hurting you.” Replied the AI.

Steve did not speak again, for he was too weak to do so. He wanted to tell the AI that it's all he deserves for becoming everything he hates, but he was so tired. He wanted to sleep. He scratched at one of the burn marks on his body. His hand felt heavy. And he was sweating but he also felt so cold and he was shivering.

“Captain Rogers, I advice you do not fall asl-” 

Steve could not hear JARVIS anymore. 

\----------------------------

Steve woke up to Tony's angry yells.

“-ucking course he got sick ! Didn't anyone of you keep an eye on him ? No ?” The genius exploded. “I can't believe it ! You are his teammates ! And I understood, I got it that you didn't want him near me, I don't want to talk to him anyway, but you, you have no right to just what ? Abandon him like that ?” 

There was a short silence.

“Tony-”

“And you two ! Especially you Natasha ! Couldn't you see that he wasn't fine ?! And you Bruce ! I can't believe you let him out of medical when he could barely stand !”

“I thought he would be okay.. The supersoldier serum...”

“Do not finish that sentence.” Tony's tone was dangerous now. “I want each and everyone of you to take care of him and give him company. I don't care if you take turns. I don't want him to be alone.”

“Guys.” 

“Natasha, do not interrupt me, I am not done with you all !” Growled the inventor.

“He's awake.” Continued the spy, ignoring Tony.

'Well, shit.' Thought Steve as he heard the genius walk out of the room in quick angry steps and close the door. 

He opened his eyes to Clint's angry face.

“How much of that did you hear ?”

Steve tried to talk, but his mouth was too dry.

“I am afraid Captain Rogers cannot talk for the moment. He needs water, mister Barton.”  
“Give the baby his fucking water Nat.” The woman frowned.

“Clint, watch your language.” Steve felt hope for a moment. Hope that maybe Natasha wasn't too mad after all, and maybe she'd defend him. “We don't want Tony to be any more upset, it's bad for his health.”

Clint nodded as Natasha gave Steve a glass of water.

“What about we call Sam to babysit him ?” Bruce asked as if the supersoldier wasn't in the room.

“No, he can't come, he was sent undercover on a mission by SHIELD a few months ago. He still has at least a few weeks before he can come back.” Replied Clint.

“Sam joined SHIELD ? When ?” Questionned Bruce. 

“Right after the whole Winter Soldier thing. He was recruited by Coulson.”

Steve choked on his water. Why didn't Sam tell him ? And Coulson was alive ?!

“Coulson ?” Repeated Bruce. “He is alive ?”

Steve coughed, trying to sit up, but too weak to actually do it. 

“Yes, he survived.” Replied Natasha and Clint at the same time.

Natasha seemed to notice and she helped him sit, but her gestures were cold, nothing like they used to be.

“We're going to take turns. I'm not staying with him everyday” She warned.

A few months ago, Steve would have been offended at being ignored like that.

Clint and Bruce sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, before you start on the Clint hate, if you do spread clint hate in your comment, meaning : WHAT AN ASSHOLE or any insult, would it be towards me or any of my characters, your comment will not be approved. I'm sick of the hate, bad vibes are really what I need right now and I EXPLAINED, they're angry. They're going to calm down soon, and Clint will be regretting each and everyone of his words. You can say that he acted like an asshole tho. I mean it's not hate it's just stating the obvious... Just, don't insult anyone, kay ? My poor feels don't like it at all ^^"
> 
> Now, let's talk about next chapter. So chapter 15 is actually chap 14, part 2, because I split chap 14 in half, because it was too long. So chap 15 happens at the same time as chap 14, mainly from Bucky's point of view (spoiler, he's with Thor and Thor is just as oblivious about the whole situation) and then Tony's, when he is calling Pepper after the whole yelling at the avengers for not taking care of steve thing. And there is Bucky, and I won't tell you why you'll have to read. 
> 
> It's named : "(Don't) Hold Me"
> 
> Because my friend and I are currently doing a project together. It's a Clint centric fic, full of angsty hurt/comfort. I give the ideas and plot, and she writes it. It is amazing guys. You are all going to love it if you read it.  
> Of course it's also because Tony gets a hug. (I KNOW ! FINALLY !)
> 
> short extract :
> 
> \--------------  
> “Yes, but you call me brother all the time.”
> 
> Thor, who was searching for pop tarts, stopped for a second and turned to Bucky.
> 
> “Because I like you almost as much as I like Loki. You and him are so much alike, it is incredible.”
> 
> “But you know he's not me, right ?” Asked Bucky. He really didn't want to be a sort of substitute. 
> 
> Thor laughed loudly. “Of course I know that brother ! I really wish you two could meet one day. My two little brothers” Thor seemed lost in his own dreams for a few minutes, a soft smile on his lips.
> 
> Bucky resumed cutting the vegetables. He had decided to prepare something with rice, chicken, and some vegetables for Tony, he really hoped the genius would like it.  
> \-------------  
> I am slowly preparing Loki's arrival. And I'm wondering... Do I do it the funny way, or the dramatic way ? Or both ? What do you all think ? Don't forget to comment, it's the comments that keep me going you know !


	15. (Don't) Hold me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> winteriron

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG MY COMPUTER WANTS ME TO KILL IT TONIGHT I CANT EVEN THIS IS THE HUNDRETH TIME I TRY TO POST THIS FUCKING CHAPTER AND NOW ITS THE INTERNET THAT'S NOT WORKING I HATE THIS COMPUTER THE ONLY THING YOU READERS CAN HATE ON IS MY COMPUTER AND IF YOU DO IT YOU WILL GET A FUCKING COOKIE BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH OF A COMPUTER.
> 
> waow that was a lot of yelling, sorry.
> 
> My best friend is currently dancing on some epic japanese party music. And no, it's not MCR's dangerous days album, unfortunately for me.  
> He has Captain's preserum looks, but he's taller, and has Deadpool's personality. It's explosive combined to mine. Our whole school thinks we're crazy, and 50% ships us. The other half thinks he's gay. One half is right, and I'm not dating him. x)  
> Yeah that guy is amazing. He doesn't look like it, but he will be there when you need him, and defend you if you can't do it for yourself. He's really sweet in his own way and omg he's so funny. He'd made me laugh if I was feeling suicidal. Oh, wait, that happened a few months ago XD see ? he's amazing. 
> 
> I just put "mama" by MCR on and now he's like "oh, what is that, I don't know that song" *gerard starts singing* *nicolas (my best friend) starts dancing* 
> 
> We're sharing music and arguing about the best way of going to sleep (If it's later than 2am where you are right now, GO TO SLEEP. READ LATER.) and I'm for the tricking the brain into thinking you're simply closing your eyes for a moment. If I actually decide to go to sleep I won't sleep all night. 
> 
> Okay so today was very stressful but I coped by drawing loki strange and "giant grape from space" version of thanos with gamora sitting on his head. Oh, and Bucky, in a red star, asking who the hell is bucky. 
> 
> Okay, so, i'm sorry if you see any typos or other mistakes in the text, I have no time to reread the chapter tonight since I have to go see a drama play (is that how you say it ?) 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the winteriron

Bucky had been serious when Stark had asked him to cook for him. He knew the genius had meant it as a joke, but it was the perfect occasion to finally make a new friend. He really wanted to get closer to the inventor. He could not explain it, not really. He just felt drawn to those emotional eyes and this beautiful smile and the intelligence coming out of every pore of Tony's body. 

And Bucky wasn't oblivious. He could see Tony had lost some weight since he woke up, and that the inventor didn't like eating, but had seemed to savour his pancakes. It was strange, but Bucky didn't care. He felt really proud to be able to cook something that Stark enjoys so much. 

So here he was, cooking in the communal kitchen again while all the others were god knows where.

Thor chose that moment to enter the room.

“Hello brother ! Are you feeling fine ?” Greeted the god.

Bucky nodded. “Why do you keep calling me brother ?”

Thor frowned, confused. “I call everyone of our teammates brothers. Except for Lady Natasha.”

“Yes, but you call me brother all the time.”

Thor, who was searching for pop tarts, stopped for a second and turned to Bucky.

“Because I like you almost as much as I like Loki. You and him are so much alike, it is incredible.”

“But you know he's not me, right ?” Asked Bucky. He really didn't want to be a sort of substitute. 

Thor laughed loudly. “Of course I know that brother ! I really wish you two could meet one day. My two little brothers” Thor seemed lost in his own dreams for a few minutes, a soft smile on his lips.

Bucky resumed cutting the vegetables. He had decided to prepare something with rice, chicken, and some vegetables for Tony, he really hoped the genius would like it. 

But maybe he should just have made pancakes. A wave of anxiety and insecurities went through his chest. What if it was the pancakes that Tony enjoyed, and not Bucky's cooking ?! 

“What are you cooking there, brother ? Is it for the man of iron ?” Asked Thor, looking at the vegetables over Bucky's shoulder. 

The dark haired man nodded.

“By the way, Thor, do you know where are the others ?” Questionned Bucky.

Thor shrugged.

\----------------------------------

Bucky had a warm plate in his hands, and Jarvis was leading him to... Wait, if they were going to the workshop, they would be going down, but they were going up right now.

“JARVIS ? Were are you taking me ? Isn't Tony in his workshop ?”

“Sir is currently in his private quarters” Informed the AI.

Bucky frowned. “Wait... Am I allowed in those ?”

“Not technically. However you are not banned from them either.”

“Are you sure you're just a robot and not a person ?” Asked Bucky suspiciously. 

The AI didn't answer, but the soldier would have sworn that JARVIS was chuckling mysteriously.

The elevator doors opened and Bucky walking into Tony's floor, gaping at the beauty of it. It was so much better than the guests rooms, and those were already awesome !

Bucky stopped at the entrance of what seemed to be an open space composed of the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room. Tony was ranting to someone on the phone, pacing.

“Pepper, listen to me, they're so annoying ! There is NO logic in what they're doing ! It's not because I got a few broken ribs and that my face looked awful for a week or two that they have the right to treat him like that ! I bet he regrets it hell of a lot anyway ! I don't think Bucky even talks to him ! I am so DONE with them all ! I'm trying to keep this damn team together, and all they do is tear him appart everytime I trust them not to do so ! Can you believe it ? I can't leave them alone for a month, because apparently, if I avoid Steve they ALL avoid Steve ! I...” 

The genius stopped for a second, running a hand through his hair. He looked wild. And tired. The inventor had bags under his eyes. 

Bucky stepped back into the shadows, silently thanking the AI for never announcing his presence when he found himself spying on his new friends. 

And then Tony's eyes widened comically and finding himself speechless as he opened his mouth once, twice, and a third time before finally talking. 

“Pepper ! No ! Don't do this ! It's not like that ! Oh god pepper do not kill captain america and do not kill me i swear i didn't mean to keep that from you ! I just forgot !”

There was a silence as 'Pepper' replied.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Okay. Convenientely forgot. But still, I forgot, not my fault, right ?”  
\-----------------------------

When Tony hung up the phone, he knew this was only the beginning of Pepper's wrath. Someone had hurt him, and she didn't care if it was Captain America. He just hoped she wouldn't tell Rhodey. Rhodey fucking loved Cap, she wouldn't do that to him. Right ?

Right ?

… She totally will do it because Tony has been hurt. Fuck. 

Why the hell did he think this was a good idea to call Pepper and rant about this problem ?

He facepalmed at his own stupidity. Seriously, for a genius, he was the dumbest person ever when it came to people. 

“Hum.. I don't mean to intrude or anything, but I cooked you something” Said someone behind him. Tony froze.

Oh shit, Bucky ?! What ?? 

“JARVIS. Did you deliberatly let him in ? Don't answer. I know you did. I should give you to the nearest university, you know that ?” He threatened. 

“I know, sir.” Replied the AI, but the brat sounded amused. Pff. Kids. 

Tony rolled his eyes and turned to Bucky. The man was holding a steaming plate of what looked like rice with vegetables and... Was that chicken ? Tony loved chicken.

“Tell me that's chicken.”

Bucky looked taken aback by the question, but he answered as a second.

“It is.”  
“I'm eating it. I'm eating it all.” Decided Tony, too excited about finally feeling the taste of one of his favorite things to care about the fact that he was being fed by the Bucky fucking Barnes.

He walked towards the grey eyed man and was about to take the warm plate from his hands when he abruptly stopped.

“Hold that for me would you ?” Tony and his daddy were in the workshop. Tony was not allowed in if he wasn't useful, so he offered to hold things and clean things and do all that. When he had nothing to do, he could observe and learn, as long as he stayed away and he didn't make a sound.  
“Yes daddy !”  
“No. It's sir. You're old enough now. Wait. How old are you again ?”  
“... I am six years old sir.” Young Tony frowned. Why didn't his daddy remember his age ?  
“Oh. Thought you were older. Hold this.” His daddy extended a gloved hand that was holding a smoking test tube. Eager to help, Tony grabbed it and...  
“IT'S TOO HOT !” he cried, holding onto the tube anyway, because he knew that if he broke it he would be banned from the workshop forever.  
“Well I need you to hold it for a minute. Keep still.”  
“Yes sir.”  
Tony's vision blurred as he held onto the test tub, gritting his teeth. 

 

“Tony ?” Someone was holding onto his arms, but it wasn't painful. “Tony come back to me doll.” The genius opened his eyes. Why were they closed anyway ? When his vision focused, it was to find the face of a very concerned Bucky Barnes. The concern disappeared slightly when the man smiled at him. “Yes doll, that's it, come back to reality. You're doing well. Breathe with me.” Bucky said as he pulled the inventor against him so that their chest were against one another. 

Tony focused on Bucky's breathing, trying to match it. He hadn't noticed that his breathing had become so erratic. Slowly, he calmed down. And this was a good thing, except that it allowed him to realize just how embarassing this whole thing was.  
He tensed, blushing furiously as he tried to break the embrace, but Bucky was holding onto him and didn't want to let go. 

“Hey doll, it's okay. I get flashbacks too. It's okay.”

“Why the hell are you calling me doll ? Let me go !” Protested Tony. 

The man let him go instantly and Tony tried to pretend he didn't see the flash of hurt that passed on Barnes' face. 

“Thanks for the food.” He mumbled, turning his back on the soldier. He wanted Bucky to go away, but he also already missed the supersoldier's arms around him. He had felt so safe for a few blessed seconds. 

“You're welcome” replied Bucky under his breath. 

It almost sounded like the soldier's voice was thick with battling emotions. 

Tony wanted him to stay. But this was bad. This was dangerous. He knew where his stupid heart was going with all this, and he refused to fall inlove again. It would only hurt.

So he dug his nails into his palms, gritted his teeth, and stared at the city out the window. 

“You can get out now.” He told Bucky.

There was a silence.

“Is that really what you want, doll ?”

Tony's self control snapped.

“STOP CALLING ME DOLL AND GET OUT !” He roared as he turned around. 

Bucky stared at him for a second, and yes, that was pain Tony read on his face. The supersoldier gave him a sad look and then turned away, walking out without another word. 

Later in the evening, Tony tentatively took a bite of the now cold food. 

It tasted like ashes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't have the time for a rant. sorry. fucking computer, making me waste my precious time.
> 
> Chapter 16 : Cold as Ice (you make me freeze in fear)
> 
> \----------------
> 
>  
> 
> Bruce's expression was cold, and annoyed. But there was a spark, something in the man's gaze. There, in the genius' eyes, was a hint of concern. 
> 
> “Steve. Please.” The scientist's voice was cold, though. 
> 
> It made Steve shiver. Anything relating to coldness, even behaviors, made him feel like he had felt for so many years. Asleep, but not quite. Dead, but only almost. Barely alive. Barely conscious. Just enough to want to scream. Not enough to feel time. Not enough to know if an eternity or a second had passed. 
> 
> \--------------


	16. Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky had woken up in a relatively good mood that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone... I'm so sorry this is not the usual hour, I'm sorry for those who wondered where the hell the chapter was... Well the chapter was being a brat, not wanting to let me finish with it in time. I had more ideas, and i wanted to build the tension the right way, and it was supposed to be even longer but I guess you'll get the rest in chapter 17 tomorow. Oh god writing this was so hard but also so fucking cool. I can't wait til they fight something more interesting than robots. x) (aka next fight)
> 
> Some may notice that the chapter's title has changed, well it's because the former title is for another chapter. 
> 
> I can't help but relate to Bucky so much these day. I got post traumatic amnesia and it's a true bitch. I wish I had someone like Steve, someone from the times that I forgot, to help me remember. But there is no one. I was alone. That's just my luck XD but anyway it doesn't matter that much, except that this story helps me feel better. and you readers and especially YOU commenters, motivate me to keep writing. So thank you everyone !! I love you !
> 
> What else... uh. Nothing except I'm tired. Oh wait, there is that one thing. I put lyrics at the beginning of the chapter, please go check out the song ! Even tho I wanted to use it for another chapter. 
> 
> Anyway. Remember how I said Steve dies ?

You shine like a diamond  
Pull me in like a siren,  
I’d abandon this ship for you  
You’re my favourite addiction,  
And I’m never quitting,  
Couldn’t give up the taste of you. 

To tell you the truth

 

I'd die for you

_Written by Wolves, To Tell You the Truth  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Eat.” Bruce ordered, putting a plate of pasta in front of Steve.

Steve felt nauseous. This was way too much food. 

“I can't eat all this.” He protested weakly. He knew he was inferior to them now. He was barely tolerated by Bruce Natasha and Clint, and the others avoided him. 

He had no right to refuse the food. But he knew he could not physically eat it all... He wasn't refusing it, he was just telling the truth.

“Stop being childish. You need to eat. If you die on us Tony won't be happy.”

Steve lifted his head to look Bruce in the eye for the first time since.. He could not remember it. He kept his head down at all times now. 

Bruce's expression was cold, and annoyed. But there was a spark, something in the man's gaze. There, in the genius' eyes, was a hint of concern. 

“Steve. Please.” The scientist's voice was cold, though. 

It made Steve shiver. Anything relating to coldness, even behaviors, made him feel like he had felt for so many years. Asleep, but not quite. Dead, but only almost. Barely alive. Barely conscious. Just enough to want to scream. Not enough to feel time. Not enough to know if an eternity or a second had passed. 

And so, so alone. 

He took a bite of the food, holding back his nausea, forcing the pasta down his throat after chewing with difficulty.

He glanced at Bruce, who nodded.  
After a while of Steve trying to swallow as much pasta as he could, and only succeeding at taking a few bites, the physicist sighed. 

“Listen Steve, I know it has only be two days of this new thing, but if you want us to give you another chance, you should stop drowning in self pity. Maybe do something to fix your mistakes, I don't know. Have you appologized yet ?”

Steve shook his head no, feeling his eyes watering. How fucking weak. Couldn't he stop crying for a minute ?! He wasn't the victim here ! Tony was. Bucky was.

He was the bully.

The blond clenched his fists, breaking his fork in the process. 

Bruce didn't even startle. 

“You need to get yourself together, Steve. Manage your emotions.” With that, Bruce stood up and left the room. 

\---------------------------------

“Hey Bucky, buddy, I'm sorry about the other night and I bought you that amazing appartment not too far away from the Tower, and it's very comfortable I tested it my-.. No.”

“Hey, sorry about yelling at you... Nope.”

Tony shook his head and started again, staring at his own relfection in the mirror of his bathroom. 

“So, Bucky, I know you and my AI are friends now or something, so I decided to install him in your new place and oh hey yeah speaking of that I bought you that amazing apartment and.. No.”

“Hey, Barnes... No. No no no.”

“Hello Bucky, so I wanted to tell you that since I'm sorry and I like you and want you to be safe.. Shit, no, absolutely not.”

“Hey Winter” 

Tony actually cringed at that one. Thank god he decided to train and try a few things out before actually going to talk to the soldier. 

“Goodmorning Mister Barnes.. No, what the hell, Stark ? That's for JARVIS !”

“Actually, I call him sergeant Barnes” Spoke the AI, making Tony sigh and roll his eyes.

“Bucky, I bought you an appartment, yeah one just for you, and you can go live there if you want, even though I'd really like you to sta- What ? No ! Fuck !” 

Tony ran his greasy hands through his already wild hair. 

“I can't do this” He murmured to himself, feeling overwhelmed. 

“Yes you can” Grumbled someone outside the closed bathroom door. 

Tony jumped. Not just anyone. Bucky. Oh shit. Shit shit shit.

“And before you ask, yeah, I think I pretty much heard it all. Come out now d-Tony. I got something to tell you.”

\-----------------------

Bucky had woken up in a relatively good mood that morning. Which was strange, because it had been two days since Tony had yelled at him and they still hadn't crossed paths. Bucky missed Tony, and actually, that was the reason why his good mood wasn't so weird after all : he had decided that today would be the day he goes to Tony and appologizes. 

In those last two days, he had spent time with Thor, listening to tales of Asgard and telling some of his own stories about world war two. He had avoided talking about Steve, though. Bucky felt like he needed some time away from the blond. He wasn't angry anymore, though. After all, a month had passed, and Bucky had barely seen Steve. The supersoldier seemed to have understood that Bucky didn't want to see his face, and had taken the habit to leave the room whenever Bucky entered. The raven haired man suspected that Steve did the same for Tony. 

However Bucky felt like he should have a talk with Steve soon. At least to talk about that whole Tony thing. Because if the problem was that Steve had felt like he had to choose... Well, when Bucky caught the way the inventor sometimes looked at him, he thought that it might just not have to be this way. Especially when Bucky knew very well that he was looking at the genius with the exact same “I'm pretty sure I'm inlove with you but I'm afraid to even think it” eyes. 

During those two days, Natasha had approached and him and had asked him to let the Soldier out from time to time. She had claimed that she wished to speak to the guy, that the Asset was, indeed, an asset on the battlefield and that she wanted him to trust the Avengers. That it was important.  
Bucky had agreed. The Winter Soldier seemed to be slowly gaining his own free will, and he would be less dangerous this way. He could even become an Avenger, if he behaved really well. Which Bucky still doubted. The guy was an assassin, trained to take lives, not to save them. 

The first session had been a huge fail. Bucky had sat in a chair in front of Natasha in the Hulk Room, which had been locked by Clint, who was watching from the exterior. He had then closed his eyes and called the 'winter guy' – because apparently other guy is for the Hulk – out. When the Winter Soldier had awaken to find himself in a metal chair, he had panicked and screamed, and it was clear that he wanted to get up and as far as possible from the chair, but he didn't, he forced himself not to move and seemed to brace himself to suffer. 

Natasha had wanted to investigate on this and had asked him questions, but he wouldn't answer, he kept his face blank and he didn't even seem to be there with her. She had finally told him : “Mission : sleep”

And the Soldier had complied, but not before shooting her a confused look. Surely because the pain he had been expecting for around half an hour had never come. 

This is after those two weird but kind of okay in the end days that Bucky decided to go see Tony and talk to him, maybe tell him about his growing feelings, or ask him out on a date. Or.. Something. He missed the genius. He'd find an excuse to spend time with him. 

Bucky looked at his left arm and smirked. He could always say that his arm hurt. He didn't want to cry wolf though.

And that's how he found himself outside of Tony's private bathroom. JARVIS had let him in, telling him Mister Stark was planning to talk to him anyway. 

As always, Bucky went mysteriously unannounced by the AI. It made the grey eyed man smirk and mouth his thanks to the artificial intelligence. He really considered JARVIS a friend by now. 

And he had heard it. Heard it all. It had made him blush madly at first, and then a smirk had grown on his face as his cheeks retrieved their normal color. 

“I can't do this” Bucky heard Tony whisper.

That's when Bucky had decided to speak up, knowing the inventor was probably going to have a mini heart-attack. 

“Yes you can” He grumbled. He heard the genius jump and a few things fell. That's when he realized he was very very anxious about the whole situation. And now it was too late.

Oh shit. He needed a plan, and quickly.

Bucky breathed in, and out. Now, he talks to Tony, tells him the truth, and he avoids fucking up or running away. That's going to be hard. But rule one, fake it 'til you make it. 

“And before you ask, yeah, I think I pretty much heard it all. Come out now d-Tony. I got something to tell you.” He said in a voice that almost sounded like he was assured.  
Fuck, he had almost called him doll. But he couldn't help it, it was his way of well.. Show affection. 

The door opened slowly, revealing a flustered Tony Stark who was very careful to look everywhere but into Bucky's eyes.

The sight of the inventor was enough to make Bucky's smirk turn into a wide smile. He was so happy to see him again, even after two days.

Oh god, he was too far gone. There was no going back. He was inlove. 

“Hey” He said, because he needed to say something before it got awkward, but he didn't know what to say. 

He wasn't good at using his words, and he was afraid of using his body. Tony might react really badly. So Bucky had to suck it up and use his tongue. Not in the dirty way tho. Maybe later, hopefully. 

“Hi” Replied Tony. 

Bucky was surprised. He was preparing for a flow of words from the genius, not just... Was that extreme shyness ? 

“So I uh, I'm sorry for calling you doll and uh, hugging you the other night. And I don't want to get my own appartment anymore... I don't want to be away from you.”

Upon hearing the last sentence, Tony looked Bucky in the eye for the first time. 

“You mean, you as in the Avengers, right ?”

Bucky scratched the back of his head, feeling his cheeks heating.

“No.. I mean, you. Tony Stark. I don't want to stay away from Tony Stark.” Bucky wanted to hide and allows himself to be shy, but he needed to do this. This was important.

The genius stared at him for a long moment, opening and closing his mouth several times. 

“Your brainwashed Hydra assassin self killed my mom.” The brown haired man finally blurted out, but it didn't look like he was upset. He was stating facts, reasons to... What ? Stay away ? Not get attached ?

But it was too late. For both of them.

/Sorry about that/ Whispered Winter. Bucky had grown more used to hearing the soldier's voice, but he wasn't used to hear so much regret in it. 

“I know. He's.. He says he's sorry. I think he means it.”

“Your boyfriend is Captain America.” Continued Tony. It looked like the inventor's brain had shut down.

“So was yours” Bucky shot back, a grin growing in his lips. He was enjoying this. The man in front of him was adorable, and this was easy. For a few seconds, he just felt like he had felt back in the 40s when he was flirting with a very oblivious Steve. And for a second, the inventor started returning his smile, before a look of realisation dawned on the genius' face.

Tony's face grew surprised, hurt, and then defensive in half a second, and the mechanic took a step back, his eyes darkening. 

“How do you know that ? What are you doing ? What do you want from me ?” 

'Shit' cursed Bucky mentally. He was about to open his mouth to answer, to explain, but that's the moment the Avengers alarm chose to go off. 

/Let me out. I have a mission./ 

'Not here' Bucky thought. He did not want the Asset and Tony in the same room.

“I'm going to suit up and get the Winter Soldier out.” He called to Tony, who was already on his way to the workshop. 

The inventor stopped just long enough to nod at him and mumble two words : “Don't die.”

“Orders received.” Replied the Winter Soldier, but no one heard him.  
\---------------------

Clint was chilling in one of his self made nests, playing video games, when he heard the Avengers call. 

“Fuck, it's always during the week-ends isn't it ? Do the bad guys have school or something ?” He grumbled as he jumped on the ground. He grabbed his beloved bow, and ran to get suited.

Once he was battle ready, he called the elevator and stepped inside. Natasha and the Winter Soldier were inside too. Clint knew it wasn't Bucky anymore because the soldier's face was blank, and his usually soft eyes were dull. 

“Hello, soldier” He greeted, not missing how Winter's eyes sparkled a little at the acknowledgement.

“What is my mission ?” Replied the assassin. Former assassin ? Time would tell. 

“You will fight with us and follow our plan. The plan is to pair up and fight.”

The Winter Soldier nodded.

“You can make your own decisions if you have an idea that might help us win faster, but you'll need to inform us.” The arched told the Asset. He then turned to the redhead. “Tasha, does he have an earpiece ?” She nodded. “Do you know what we're up against ?”

“Robots. Stark says they're almost the same as last time, but stronger.”

Clint released a huge sigh. “Great. Killer Bots 2.0, that's all I needed on a sunday afternoon.”

\---------------------------------

When they arrived at the battlefield, that was once again right at the foot of the Avengers Tower, the Asset turned to Clint and Natasha. 

“I request to be paired with the Target.”

“Is he talking about Steve again ?” Asked Clint.

Natasha turned to him and gave him a look. “I speak russian, I don't speak brainwashed supersoldier.” She then faced the soldier. “Is the Target Steve Rogers ?”

She obtained a nod, and Clint huffed. “Looks like you're speaking brainwashed Hydra assassin alright.”

The redhead ignored him. “Yes, you can pair up with the target, soldier.”

“No one else would want to pair up with him anyway” Snickered Clint, earning a punch in the shoulder by Natasha. Looking behind him, he realized the supersoldier had heard him, but didn't seem surprised or even offended. Simply... Hurt. 

\-------------------

The Asset had three mission : fight with the Avengers, don't die, and keep the Target safe. He decided that keeping the Target safe was the most important one, and that would he have to make a choice, he would focus on this mission. 

The Winter Soldier approached the Target. He assessed the Target's wellbeing and decided that the Target was barely able to fight and therefore shouldn't be out on the battlefield. Remembering Hawkeye's remark about sharing his ideas when it helps encouraged him to talk. 

“Target should not be out on the battlefied.” The Asset informed the Target.

“What..? Bucky ?”

“I am the Winter Soldier, the Asset.” He replied.

“Who's the Target ?”

“You. The Target is not able to fight right now. The Target's energy levels are too low due to lack of sleep and food. Mission : protect. Target's status : too weak to fight. The Asset recommend for the Target to step inside and find shelter while the Asset fights any threat coming too close.” 

The Target's expression showed panic and then determination. “No, I will not sit this fight out. They need as many soldiers as they can. This is the only thing I have left. Don't tell anyone I'm not feeling well.” The Target seemed to see the Asset's hesitation, because he added : “It's an order.”

\-------------------

Steve was taking down robot after robot, standing in the middle of the destroyed street.  
The Winter Soldier seemed to circle around him, killing a maximum of robots becfore they got near him.

Ironman was somewhere in the sky, he had teamed up with Thor and they were now exterminating as much of the flying bots as they could. Natasha and Clint were on the other side of the street, the former Red Room assassin fighting on the ground, the bowman on one of the highest buildings, shooting a rain of arrows around his partner, and never missing.

They were managing the flow of evil robots just fine, until the bots' blue eyes turned an aggressive kind of red. Suddenly, the robots became ten times more powerful, making Stark shout warnings over the comms as the rate of fire of the things got faster.

Steve, who had succeeded at dodging everything even with his low energy, started tiring. His limbs felt heavy, and his movements were getting slower and clumsier. 

The world blurred and spinned around him, and he didn't lift his shield in time to avoid getting shot. He went flying against a wall, colliding with it abruptly.  
The impact sent waves of pain through his body, and his vision went black for a second as he fell to the ground. He tried to get up, but couldn't.

“TARGET IS DOWN !” He heard someone scream.

He was blind, and it should have panicked him more than that, but he didn't have the energy to care. He was exhausted, he wanted to just sleep. 

Steve felt a warm hand on his throat, feeling his pulse, and a cold one gripped his shoulder tighlty, but not tight enough to hurt.

“Wake up.” Bucky ? No, the voice was too flat. It was the Winter Soldier. 

Steve opened his mouth to talk, but a warm liquid came pouring out instead, streaming down his jaw and throat. He heard rocks fall around him, and a body curled around him, as if it was protecting him. But Steve couldn't really tell, because he couldn't see anything, everything was black. 

“TARGET IS DOWN ! HELP IS REQUIRED !” The Winter Soldier screamed again, making Steve wince. 

The blond felt the Soldier lift him on his feet. The Asset was carrying more than half of his weight, but it was still too heavy for Steve. 

“What are you doing ?” He choked out around the blood flooding his mouth. His whole body was in pain. 

“Protecting Target. Hold on. Do not die.” 

The supersoldier wanted to snort at that. Steve woudln't care less if he died, and none of the others would. 

The robots were shooting at them, and the Asset's metal hand left him for a moment. The soldier shot twice and Steve heard several metal bodies falling. 

Suddenly someone talked into Winter's earpiece. They sounded like Clint. Why wasn't Steve hearing him in his own earpiece ? Uh. It must have broke during the impact.

“No. Mission is protect.” Replied the soldier to whatever the archer had said. 

More robots landed near them and started walking towards their location. 

Clint started shouting in the earpiece.

The bots were getting closer.

Steve wanted to open his eyes, help, he sensed that something was wrong, so very wrong, in the way the Asset's grip around him tightenned, and his legs left the ground. The former Hydra assassin was extremely tense, and Steve felt his heart start to race. 

And then the Soldier started running. The robots started shooting. Horror filled Steve as he finally realized what was happening. The Winter Soldier was taking him to safety, and was getting hit by every shot the robots sent at them. It was taking so long, and the Captain could feel Bucky's body shake against him with every blow. His enhanced hearing picked up on the sounds of the suit and the flesh burning and being torn appart, but every sounded was eventually drown out by the wild beating of his own heart.

All he could think of was 'Survive. Survive. Survive.' And he wasn't thinking that to himself, no. He was thinking that to the Winter Soldier, to Bucky.

He was abruptly thrown to the ground and vaguely heard a body fall next to him, just as the shootings stopped. Was Bucky okay ? Were they safe ? Steve could faintly hear voices shouting. There were hands on him, removing his suit, ripping it. He desperatly tried to open his eyes, to see what was happening, to check on Bucky, on Tony... Oh god was Tony alright ? He opened his mouth, but couldn't hear himself talk. He felt himself drift, and then, nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH AH WHO THINKS HE IS DEAD AND HOW THINKS HE'S STILL ALIVE ? BECAUSE I KNOW AND I WILL NOT TELL YOU ! Clint will. Next chapter is from his pov. He gets Pietro feels from Bucky running amongst robots to Save another hero. Yeah it's gonna be ugly. I wish I could bring pietro back but.. maybe in another fic. Wanda isn't even in that one. (too much characters, I'm sorry I can't handle everyone I'm not an infinity war writer (yet, I'll get there one day) )
> 
> So, the angst was good ? You wanna kill me ?  
> My friends wanna kill me. But they can't. coz they need the happy ending. 
> 
> OUCH MY FINGERS ACTUALLY HURT FROM ALL THE TYPING ! come on fingers ? You all are serious ?? ><" so fragile, fucking fingers.
> 
> Anyway, chapter 17... Well I haven't thought much about it yet. What about Clint's side of events and then it goes even after Steve... IM NOT SPOILING. AH AH IS HE DEAD IS HE ALIVE NO ONE KNOWS BUT ME AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *cough* hum. 
> 
> Feel free to comment, if you're nice enough I'll leave clues, and if you're really really nice you'll get uuuh... Idk. a rant. about chapter 17.
> 
> so. I think I'll name chapter 17... hm.. Quicksilver ? no. too soon, too much feels, not enough pietro in the chap to do so. What about... STUPID FUCKING ROBOTS START WHY DIDNT YOU USE THAT RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING no. not that either, and clint, please don't yell. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. "Keep Calm" and then you add whatever. x)  
> Or maybe... No. Keep Calm (and lose your shit) seems like a great title x)


	17. Déjà-Vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint's point of view during the last chapter's events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know this chapter is short, and I'm sorry. I have a lot of work and it felt righ to stop the chapter there. It gives me more freedom about next chapter. 
> 
> Oh and Déjà-Vu is a french expression, you english thieves (kidding, we stole words too sooo...) and I love the way you guys pronounce it !
> 
> I hate having so much work but at the same time I love my life because my english teacher (who is my favorite teacher) keeps teaching us about marvel (I don't learn much but it's the best classes I have ever had !!!! and he said he will cosplay as bucky barnes for next halloween. This actually got me nuts and I can't stop fangirling over it coz favorite teacher + fav character = death.   
> Anyway, you're all so jealous right now x)) I know right. And he looks like Bucky, it's true, i had noticed it before. Oh and my physic and chemistry teacher is kinda like a skinnier bruce banner, he has the personality too, but more like a dad. My best friend calls him his spiritual dad (and yes, i'm talking about the captain america/deadpool mix of a best friend that I have)   
> And uh, that's all. Gotta go !

Clint was on the top of a building, watching over Natasha and shooting at robots when he had the time. He could see Thor and Tony doing a really good job at destroying the flying bots and saving the civilians, but he could barely see the two supersoldiers. His vision was blocked by a pile of rubble. 

However he could see that a lot of robots had decided to focus on the Winter Soldier and Captain America.

Clint shot another robot. Those things were his least favorite villains. Fight killer bots always reminded him of Sokovia. He could still see the dead body of Pietro, lying there, right in front o f him, covered in bloody bullet wounds, unseeing eyes wide open. 

Clint's heart jumped at he noticed the robot's eyes turning red. This was not good.

And then the Asset screamed in the comms. 

“TARGET IS DOWN” Target ? Steve ? Was he hurt ? 

Clint opened his mouth to answer but a dozen of robots attacked him. He fought them, stabbing the robots with explosive arrows and sidestepped to avoid the blows of the machines. 

When he was done, he only had a second to catch his breath before Winter called again. 

“TARGET IS DOWN ! HELP IS REQUIRED !”

There was something desperate in the assassin's voice that Clint didn't like at all. How bad was the situation exactly ? Why wasn't anyone else responding to the soldier's calls ? 

Clint ran to the edge of the building, trying to see past the damn pile of rubble. Robots were shooting at the supersoldiers, but the archer couldn't shoot at them, they were behind a building and neither Thor nor Ironman were in sight.  
“Thor ? Ironman ? I need someone to get me to the supersoldiers.”

No response. 

“Nat ? Nat do you copy ?”

“We're busy, Barton. We think we found the source of the robots. If we take it down, we destroy them all.”

“Hurry.” Pleaded Clint, deciding not to inform them of the situation of the soldiers. Stressing the rest of team would not help them win. 

“Winter Soldier, can you hear me ? All of the robots are coming to you and Cap. Now I don't know how badly injured Cap is, but if he can't run, do not risk carrying him to safety, do you hear me ? You hide him under the rubble, you run towards safety, and we hope the robots get distracted by you. Do not try to carry him.”

Clint was pretty confident that the soldier would just obey orders, that all the Asset had been doing since he knew him.

“No. Mission is protect.” Replied Winter. 

That was not expected. 

Clint could see more and more robots landing near the supersoldiers and approaching them slowly. They only had a few seconds lef to live if they didn't move.

“No ! Listen to me Soldier ! You do not do that ! You will die if you do that ! Leave him there ! Leave him he will be alright if you hide him !” 'There is no way to know, but I can't lose both of you.'

Horror paralyzed Clint as he saw the Winter Soldier bolt from behind the pile of rocks and run as fast as he could.

Pietro. 

Pietro.

No. 

“NOOO !” Clint roared, jumping of the building and shooting an arrow to slow his fall. 

'This is not happening, this is a nightmare' he thought as he watched the Winter Soldier getting shot by a dozen of robots as he ran, carrying Steve in his arms. This was too much like Sokovia, this was a dream. This wasn't real.

His feet hit the ground, and he ran towards the safe place Bucky was running to. It was a deserted bank. Clint felt a burning pain in his shoulder, and understood that he had been hit. He kept running. He got there a few seconds before the soldiers, and when Winter arrived, he fell of the ground, letting Steve fall beside him.

“STEVE ! BUCKY ! No ! stay with me !!” Clint fell on his knees between the two supersoldiers, feeling the pulse of each soldiers. They were weak, and if Bucky was now uncouncious, Steve seemed to still be with him.

“Steve ! Steve stay with me you hear me ? I am going to fucking punch you in the face if you die on me !” Clint wanted to cry. This was not fair. He couldn't do anything, he was helpless, they were dying, the robots would figure out their location in a matter of minute, he had three or four arrows left, he couldn't do it. He couldn't. 

He heard an explosion in the distance, and then all the metal sounds the robots produced stopped. He turned to the street, and even through his blurred vision he noticed all the bots dropping like dead flies. 

“Clint ! Where are you ?!” Shouted Tony in the comms. 

“The bank ! I'm in the bank !” Clint felt his hands shake and looked at them. They were covered in blood. It was all it took for him to finally break. “Oh god Tony, Steve... Bucky... There's blood everywhere. Oh god.” He sobbed. “help me !”

In a matter of seconds, he heard Ironman land behind him and someone hugged him. Natasha.

“I did everything I could, I told him to leave Steve there, I told him to hide him, I told.. He wouldn't listen, he didn't obey.. I tried, and no one was there, and I didn't know what to do, and now they're going to die..”

“JARVIS, scan.” Said Tony, voice trembling. He had taken off the faceplate and was kneeling next to the supersoldier's heads. His eyes were wide and full of fears.

“They request immediate medical assistance, sir, but they're going to live.” Announced the AI just as Thor came running, Bruce clode behind him. He was fully closed, they hadn't judged Hulk's presence necessary for this mission.

“Brother !” Thor cried as he ran to Bucky, falling on his knees next to the soldier and gripping the soldier's shoulders, starting to pull him into a hug.

“NO ! Don't touch him !” Exclaimed Bruce and he crouched next to Steve, examining the supersoldier. “You might make it worse if you do. Thor. Don't touch him.” He insisted when the god looked at him with defiance and tears in his eyes.

“I don't know if they're going to survive the travel.” Announced Bruce after examining the supersoldiers. 

Clint sobbed, and Natasha hugged him tighter. “They will, Clint. They're supersoldiers, they have the serum in their veins. They heal faster than we do.”

Bruce looked at Natasha worriedly. She knew he had taken that in consideration, and she was lying to the archer. He didn't know if it was a good choice, because if one of them died during the trip to SHIELD medical, Clint would hate her.

But right now, the archer was clinging to the spy like she was his lifeboat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, a quick note to ask : HEEEEY SO WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF STEVE SURVIVED ? COZ HE MIGHT BE DEAD LOL I HAVENT DECIDED YET (wrong, i did, days ago) BUT THE REST OF THE STORY AINT WRITTEN
> 
> oh and i might edit the first chapters in a few weeks, I'll tell you when I do it if you want to reread the story.
> 
> Next chapter is Steve and Bucky in the hospital. it contains bruce yelling, tony being sad and guilty, thor being overprotective, steve being suicidal, clint being a sad crying puppy, natasha being said puppy's pillow, and overprotective too. see ya im late for my math class (this sucks !)


	18. Blinded By The Pain Of Having Seen It All Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint is not okay.  
> Steve is not okay either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. Sorry Sorry Sorry. I don't know how many times I should say it for it to be enough. I don't know if I could ever say it enough. I abandonned you all... For so long. I'm so sorry.
> 
> A lot happened during the summer holydays... I got a boyfriend, he took me to many places and omg I never knew I was crazy enough to go to another freaking country with a man I had met less than two month before. 
> 
> I guess you learn things about yourself when you get out of your comfort zone. 
> 
> So during this summer I had the opportunity to write (if you go on my profile you'll understand what I'm talking about ^^') So the reason why this story hasn't been updated in so long is because I have struggled a lot with deciding what to do with chapter 18. So much that I have ENTIRE deleted scenes about what was supposed to happen but never will. I don't know if I'll ever publish them, they're crap. Well no they're not really but I don't like them so they're crap and I wanna burn them but you can't burn a google drive file. Well yes you could by printing it but yeah you know what I mean did you miss my rants ? I bet you didn't. xp

Cold. 

That's the first thing Steve noticed. He felt cold. The room he was in was freezing.

And he couldn't move. That was the second thing he realized. 

It smelled like his childhood. 

Hospital.

Was Bucky by his side ? Had it all been just a really bad dream ? Was he still that kid from Brooklyn ? 

Oh gosh. He hoped so. 

He felt needles in his arms, and, yes, that was usual. What had he catched this time ? Pneumonia ? Again ?

What was unusual, though, was the lack of hand in his. 

Shouldn't Bucky be here, holding his hand ? 

Machines were beeping around him. He didn't know why there were so many machines in a hospital... Or at least he supposed he was in a hospital, and ouch, this was too much reflexion for his head. 

Steve opened his eyes. The light blinded him and hurt him for a few seconds, but he kept them open. He didn't really know why, but hurting himself felt good, in a twisted way. 

Looking around him, he realized he was indeed in a hospital.

And he became aware that A : what he hoped was a bad dream was real, and B : he was completely alone once again.

Then he remembered some bits and pieces of the battle.

A tidal wave of fear flooded him. 

Was Bucky alright ?!

He wanted to stand up, but as soon as he started moving, pain shot through his whole body, and his chest and right arm started feeling wet. He ignored the pain to twist and look at the damage. His hospital gown was getting soaked his blood. He lifted at arm and tried to tear the cloth to have a better look at the injury. 

Some of the wires attached to his body fell with the movements. 

The heart monitor panicked and then went flat, emitting a long insufferable beep that felt awfully painful for Steve's aching head. 

Someone – a man, he sounded like Clint – outside the door screamed and Steve heard them running towards his room. 

The door was kicked open and in less than a second, an utterly terrified Clint was grabbing his arms and looking him in the eyes.

“You're alive.” The archer stated, voice raw with emotion.

Steve opened his mouth to talk, but it was too dry, and no sound came out.

He closed his eyes, exhausted.

“No ! Don't sleep ! Stay awake Cap.” Pleaded Clint. 

A glass of water was pressed against his lips. 

 

He drank as much as he could. He didn't know one could feel so thirsty. Steve decided to ignore how good it felt to have Clint's hand on his, stabilizing his grip on the glass. 

How long has it been since someone had touched him for something else than hurting him ? 

When he was done, the glass was taken away, and the human touch with it. 

“You scared the hell out of me. Out of all of us. You hear ?”   
At the tone of the archer, Steve opened his eyes again. 

And yes, right here, he could see all the raw fear melting into anger and violence. He knew that look. He sometimes saw it in the mirror, after a flashback, or a nightmare about the past.

And since the bowman was apparently expecting an answer, the blond nodded.

“Bucky is in a coma because of you.” Clint paused to let that sink in.   
“You know, Bruce told us. How you haven't been eating. On purpose. I can't believe you did that to your own boyfriend. Oh well, I guess it has been some time since you two have actually been together, isn't it ? You know what, Cap ?” Clint’s voice broke. “I hate you. I hate you so much. You could have done better. You could have done so much better, if it wasn't for the weak human being you actually are. If Bucky dies, it's all on you.”

Steve felt his heart stop, and then, he felt nothing at all. Nothing but a both distant and intense pain.

‘It’s all on me.’ He thoughts echoed the archer’s words.

\------------------

 

The moment Clint said it, the moment his venom was spit and the poison was in Steve's blood, the archer regretted it. He couldn't control himself. He was a monster. He saw the supersoldier's eyes widen in shock before his injured face fell into a blank expression. He saw the faint light in the blue eyes dim and die. The archer stood there, watching, not even able to move. 

It hadn't been Steve's fault, it hadn't been anyone's fault, it was an accident, a consequence no one could have ever seen.. Coming. Pietro. That guy was the reason why Clint was acting like this. This had felt too much like Sokovia. 

“Will he live ?” Asked Steve, his voice, weak and trembling, made a huge contrast with his blank exterior.

And just like that, all the remaining anger in Clint's chest flew away, leaving behind a huge void, the weight of guilt and regret, as well as a pain that was so unbearable it was hard to breathe.

“I don't know.” He whispered, not waiting to see the impact of his honest words as he fled from the room.

\------------------------- 

It was Natasha who found him, hours later, on the roof of the Avengers Tower. 

She sat next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, taking one of his hands in hers.

Together, they watched the sunset for a long moment.

“It's not him you hate. It's yourself.” She murmured.

A tear rolled down the archer's cheek.

\---------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short. I just want more time to figure out what the hell im gonna do with the second part, it's about Bruce. Steve is supposed to do something stupid but I don't know how to make it at least a little realistic yet. Sorry. Your comments on this chapter (if you decide to comment) would help a lot. So please please please comment, I really need your support :(
> 
> \---------------
> 
> here is an extract of chapter 19 : (you even get to have a very long one because you waited so long and I am so sorry)
> 
> \---------------
> 
> “Steve woke up and unplugged himself from the heart monitor. Clint thought he was dead and ran into the room. I don’t know what happened in there, I left them alone as there was no emergency.”
> 
> Bruce stared at her like she had suddenly grown a second head.
> 
> “No one went to check on him ? I mean, doctors. Or at least a nurse ?” The physicist’s legs started to shake, ready to run towards Steve’s room.
> 
> “Bruce, it happened five minutes ago, and Steve is a supersoldier, I told them he could wait for you, who knows his medical file by heart, to get there.” deadpanned Natasha. She was really tired of everyone’s shit.
> 
> \---------------
> 
> If anyone wants to contact me because they want to help me with this story (like, giving me their opinion on what happens and pointing out consistency mistakes) my mail is in my profile ^^ if you're lazy just write "a single man tear" at the end of your comment and I will put my mail at the end of my reply ^^


	19. Am I Asking For Too Much ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is going to fix it. He's going to do it and it will fix his mess, or at least it will prevent him from messing up even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very very long. 
> 
> And I freaking struggled with it because omg wtf too many emotions to much stress I never at.. oh yeah.
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING ! (SPOILER)
> 
>  
> 
> Suicide attempt. A lot of blood. Self harm. Please do not read if you are easily triggered, and if you get triggered, you can talk to me, I will listen and help you the best I can ^^
> 
>  
> 
> (END OF SPOILER)
> 
>  
> 
> So I was saying, this was a hard chapter to write and I almost wanted to split it but then I decided against it. I think it was important for all these scenes to be in the same chapter.
> 
> Also, today we are mainly following Bruce's point of view, but you will get some Steve and also another character. ENJOY ! :D

> So far from who I was  
>  From who I love  
>  From who I want to be
> 
> So far from all our dreams  
>  From all it means  
>  From you here next to me
> 
> So far from seeing home  
>  I stand out here alone  
>  Am I asking for too much?
> 
> -So Far, Ólafur Arnalds

Bruce left one hour. One. Hour. In the three days that the supersoldiers spent at the hospital, Bruce insisted that he had to stay there in case one of them woke up, and of course, of fucking course, it’s when he leaves to take a shower and get some clean clothes that Steve wakes up.

This guy just wanted to annoy everyone, didn’t he ?

Hulk growled, and Bruce took a deep breath as he entered the hospital and ran towards Steve’s room without even bothering to stop and state his identity.

When he arrived in the corridor where Steve’s and Bucky’s room were, he almost ran into Natasha, who instantly grabbed his arms.

“Bruce, you should step back, Clint-”

She didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence, because said archer ran into them, and kept running without a word. 

“What the…” Started Bruce.

“Steve woke up.”

“Yeah, you told me that on the phone already.” Replied Bruce dryly. He was tired. Hulk growled again. 

Natasha sighed heavily. She was tired too. No one had had much sleep since before the battle, three days ago.

“Steve woke up and unplugged himself from the heart monitor. Clint thought he was dead and ran into the room. I don’t know what happened in there, I left them alone as there was no emergency.”

Bruce stared at her like she had suddenly grown a second head.

“No one went to check on him ? I mean, doctors. Or at least a nurse ?” The physicist’s legs started to shake, ready to run towards Steve’s room.

“Bruce, it happened five minutes ago, and Steve is a supersoldier, I told them he could wait for you, who knows his medical file by heart, to get there.” deadpanned Natasha. The physicist could see she was really tired of everyone’s shit.

He had heard enough. He needed to get to his patient, now.

His anxious mind provided the picture of Steve and Bucky, laying on the ground, their blood mixing with the dust to form a crimson mud puddle that surrounded them, growing way too quickly. 

 

\-------------------------

 

Steve was laying down, absentmindedly rubbing at his wound. He could feel his hand was wet from the blood probably pouring out, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

‘It’s all on me’

The thought was echoing through his head like a broken record. 

Memories of the fight sounded in his head. The explosions. The Winter Soldier’s shouts, his demand for him to stay awake. 

Steve didn’t want to be awake anymore. He didn’t want to be awake ever again. Not in a world where all he does is harm the ones he loves. Not in a world where his loved ones hate his guts. 

Speaking of loved ones, Bruce entered, looking furious. 

 

The scientist glared at him before dropping his gaze to the blond’s wet hand. His eyes darkened even more, and Steve almost wished they had gone green. Hulk could punch and throw him against walls all he wanted, it was Bruce who inspired the most fear in Steve. 

Because Bruce had words. Clever ways of putting them together. He had the ability to hurt Steve beyond repair with one or two sentences.

He had once been Steve’s friends, his words once aimed not to harm but to comfort. 

Steve closed his eyes as it began. 

“You couldn’t be awake for five minutes without crying out attention, hm ?” The doctor sneered. He removed Steve’s hand from his wound and started cleaning it, not bothering to tell Steve what he was doing. 

“I-” Tried to explain Steve, before shutting his mouth. What could he say ? It was all on him. 

“You ? What ? You didn’t mean to do this ? Then what, exactly, did you mean to do by starving yourself to the point where your boyfriend, or should I say EX-boyfriend -because there is no way I’m allowing you near him again- is between life and death because of you ? Did you mean to get everyone’s attention ? Because let me tell you that endangering your life and others’ is never the right way to make some friends or to seek forgiveness.”

The blond kept his eyes tightly closed. He wanted to go to sleep. Forever. He never wanted to hear anything from anyone ever again. Because all the persons that ever mattered to him hated him now or would hate him if they knew, and they were right to do so. 

“Are you even listening to me ? Open your eyes.” Demanded the usually gentle scientist.  
Sad blue eyes that had seen horrors most people couldn’t even imagine, more blood and tears that needed to fill an ocean, more smoke and embers than necessary to burn the whole world, revealed themselves to the room, diving into brown, intelligent but clouded by anger ones.

“No need to look at me like that. It won’t work. You need to wake up, Rogers. You are not alone in this world. Most people have it worse than you ever will. Stop complaining and drowning in self pity. You’re a weight, for all of the Avengers. It’s time you release that weight, because we all really miss the old times.”

The old times. 

A picture of Bucky, in his soldier uniform, beaming at him and joking with him danced in front of Steve’s eyes.

“I’m sorry” He murmured.

“You should be. Now act. Do something. Fix your mess.” Bruce told him in a kinder voice as he finished fixing Steve’s wound. 

The physicist’s phone rang and he picked up.

“Yes Tony ? No, this is normal, you know it as much as me…. Ok I’ll go check.”

Bruce left the room without even looking back. 

\-------------------------------

In a room not far away from Captain America’s, laid another supersoldier. The dark haired man was as pale as death, but his face looked as peaceful as if he was merely taking a nap.  
Sitting on his left, between him and the door, a tall blond man was holding his hand, whispering softly about his childhood with someone called Loki, and smiling sadly from time to time.

Another, shorter man was there, facing the window. He had refused to sit. He was too worried and he needed to be able to move. He had been pacing in the room for the last two or three hours. Everyone at stopped counting when they realised the brown haired man wouldn’t stop anyway.

Bucky had often heard people say that sometimes when someone is in a coma, they’re not really unconscious, and they can still hear. He had believed that those people where the same sort of people who believed in ghosts and aliens.

Well if aliens did exist, and he was hearing about the time Loki had turned his brother into a snake and the familiar steps of his favorite inventor, then he needed to find those winchester brothers when he woke up. 

If he ever woke up.

The story about the snake ended, and the steps stopped. 

“Brother of Iron.”

“What is it Thor ?”

“Will our brother of Winter ever wake up ?” The thunder god’s tone was so sad, Bucky wished he could open his eyes and tell Thor everything would be alright.

But the grey eyed man couldn’t. Hell, he couldn’t even remember how he got there, in a coma, stuck in the darkness with for only company his own thoughts and the occasional sounds occurring in the room. 

“I care deeply about him. He is almost as important as Loki to me.” Confessed the blond. “I don’t think I would take it well if he happened to die.” He added in a surprisingly low voice. 

Bucky even wondered if Tony had heard the god.

“I care deeply about him too.” Tony said, his tone surprisingly fragile. 

“Like a brother ?”

“Like a lover.” 

Bucky’s heart jumped, and the steady beep of the heart monitor went mad for a second, before going back to normal.

Suddenly he could feel the strong hand holding his left metal one, and another, smaller hand grabbing his right one, and pressing. 

“Bucky, Bucky can you hear us ?” Tony’s voice was trembling with nervousness, and he was talking way too fast.

‘Yes, yes I can doll, I can !’ Bucky tried to say with all his strength, in vain.

“Thor do you think he can hear us ?”

“I do not know. We shall call for doctor Banner.”

“You’re right. Jarvis, call Bruce.” There was a beat of silence. “Bruce, there was an irregularity in Bucky’s heartbeat, you need to come, what if something’s wrong ?” Bucky couldn’t make out the physicist’s reply. “Bruce, please” Pleaded genius, before hanging up moments later.

“He’s coming right now.” He announced, holding onto Bucky’s hand with even more energy. “I truly hope you are waking up, Buck.” He murmured. 

‘I hope so too’ Replied Bucky mentally.

He wanted to give a sign. Just a little sign that he was in there, he could hear them. Something clearer than a change of heart rate. 

Was he asking for too much ?

\-------------

 

‘Act’ Bruce’s voice sounded in Steve’s head as the blond stared out the window.

His eyes dropped to his hands. The one that what once wet was now covered in dried blood.

‘Wake up’ 

His heart felt numb. Like it had died.

‘Most people have it worse than you ever will.’

Shame tickled at the numb surface of his ocean of emotions. Steve could feel himself floating at the surface, face in the water, eyes closed. He could feel it. There was a tidal wave of self hatred coming his way. And it would not be the only violent thing this ocean would make him go through in the near future.

It was the calm before the storm.

‘Do something.” Bruce’s cold angry voice insisted.

The blond opened his eyes, seeing nothing in the black water.

‘Stop complaining and drowning in self pity. You’re a weight, for all of the Avengers. It’s time you release that weight, because we all really miss the old times’

Steve started to sink as memories of better times, times when it was easier to exist, played in front of his eyes.

Tony and Clint throwing cookies at each other, the inventor hiding behind Steve and stealing a kiss from the blond as they all laughed.

A movie night, and everyone cuddling each other with a small content smile. 

Bruce smiling softly up at him. Thor walking towards him for a hug after returning from Asgard. Clint jumping on his back and hugging him from behind before making a bad joke. Natasha noticing his faint limp and insisting to wrap his ankle even though it would already be healed the next day. 

Coulson looking at him like he is the best man in the world. Bucky smiling at him. Hugging him. Kissing him. Tony doing the same thing, calling him dear on accident then denying he ever used a pet name and blushing. Bucky calling him doll and smiling. Smiling. Smiling. Everyone was happy, smiling at him, at each other, at no one in particular. 

 

‘there is no way I’m allowing you near him again’ Bruce’s voice shattered the warm memories, Bucky’s face faded into the dark, and the water went cold.

The smiles disappeared, replaced by hurt expressions.  
Clint spitting hateful words at him. Laughing at his tears.  
Bruce’s cold and severe tone.  
Tony’s pained chocolate brown eyes.  
‘Is Tony alright ?’ The echo of his voice asked.  
‘Black eye, three broken ribs.’ Replied Natasha’s icy voice as Tony kept looking him right in the eye as he started crying before disappearing in the darkness too.  
Blood on Captain America cards. A black mask thrown on the ground. Cold grey eyes.  
His loved ones looked at him as he sank deeper and deeper into the black ocean.

They hated him. Steve could see it on their face, in their eyes.

‘Between life and death because of you’ Echoed the physicist’s voice once more.

Suddenly everyone was dead. Their lifeless eyes stared at him accusingly as he kept sinking deeper. 

Steve tried to open his mouth to sob, maybe apologize, but water filled his mouth and suddenly he was very aware of the fact that he couldn’t breathe.

He started struggling, attempting to swim back to the surface, but there were no up, no down anymore. Just water. Everywhere. And the dead bodies of everyone he ever loved. Their eyes followed him. 

 

 

‘Fix your mess’ Bruce’s voice whispered into his ear.

 

 

Steve shivered violently as he came back to the reality of his hospital room. 

“Fix your mess” He mumbled to himself as he stood up from his bed and went to the window.

He wasn’t high enough for the fall to kill him, he noted, before turning back to the rest of the room, searching for something, anything, that could help him cease to exist. 

As his eyes roamed the room, they fell upon a metallic box. The blond went to open it and found several scalpels.

This would have to do. 

He hoped his healing factor had been numbed by the rest of his injuries, because otherwise it would be impossible for him to lose enough blood to die. 

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to finally fix it” He apologized both to no one in particular and to the whole world.

 

\------------------

 

Bruce entered Bucky’s room to find it just like he had left it several hours ago : Tony and Thor worrying over a lifeless looking Bucky. 

He quickly checked the supersoldier's vitals and yes, the heart rate had augmented for a very short time right before Tony had called him.

“Keep talking to him” He told the men before turning back to the door. He had a bad feeling. Some sort of intuition that he should be with Steve right now. That it was urgent.

“Wait, Bruce.” Called Tony. And Bruce couldn’t say no to his science bro. Not over a stupid intuition. 

“Yeah Tony ?”

“Are you sure he is going to wake up ?”

The scientist sighed.

“No Tony, I cannot be certain. There are good chances that he will make a full recovery, but only because he was injected with a serum similar to Steve’s. However he was as heavily injured - if not more - as Steve, and his healing abilities were badly affected by the number and severity of the injuries, and as a result, functioned with a lot less efficiency. If Bucky’s healing abilities did the same, well…” Steve. Something was not right. “It may take,” Steve.” Hum, a long time for him to recover, if he ever does. However we shouldn’t forget that he is lucky to be a supersoldier. He would be dead otherwise.” Bruce told them as he grew more and more anxious of the well being of the other supersoldier.

He had already told them multiple times but all of the avengers needed to hear it again regularly. All of them except Natasha, who had just noted it somewhere and read it from time to time.

“Okay now I have to go check on Steve.” He said quickly. Too quickly. 

Tony frowned. “Is something wrong with him ?”

“No. But I didn’t tell him that he didn’t have the right to move yet and I’m pretty sure he already got up so now I’m gonna have to put stitches on him.” Bruce made up, before almost running to Steve’s room.

Something was wrong. He didn’t know what, he didn’t know how he felt it, maybe it was the way Steve looked at him when they talked earlier, maybe it was how the blond was digging into his bleeding wound with no apparent sign of pain, or any emotion at all actually. Or maybe it was just Bruce’s imagination, and a really needed to calm down.

He paused at Steve’s door, wondering if he should knock, before deciding otherwise and simply going in, closing the door behind before turning to…

“Steve ?” He called.

The bed was empty, but there was a stain of blood in the middle of it. Bruce would have worried if he hadn’t seen it earlier during his first visit.

Something fell in the bathroom, and Bruce heard someone -Steve- cursing under their breath.

Now something was wrong. He knew the blond had gone silent these past months, but when someone called for him, he usually replied instead of hiding.

“Steve ? What are you doing in here ?”

“Nothing you don’t want me to do” Replied the weak voice of the supersoldier.

Something was definitely off about this whole thing.

“And what would that be exactly ?” Questioned Bruce.

“Nothing really. Could you leave me alone please ?” Steve asked. He sounded even weaker than the first time he had talked. 

Bruce opened the bathroom door, making Steve scream “No !” 

But the genius wasn’t listening. 

He couldn’t hear anything but the Hulk’s growing growls and roars of pain, and his increasingly fast heartbeat. 

The smell of blood was overwhelming. There was a huge puddle of the crimson liquid on the floor, and Steve lied against the wall opposite to the door, soaking in it. 

Bruce took one step backwards. And a second. Then another. 

This wasn’t happening. This was his sick mind playing him an equally sick trick. 

‘HULK OUT’ Demanded the monster inside of him. ‘HULK HELP.’ 

“No. This isn’t real.” He muttered to himself and the other guy, voice trembling. ‘HULK SAVE !’

“I’m sorry Bruce. Could you just, close the door and pretend you never saw ?” Asked Steve calmy. 

Bruce looked at the supersoldier’s face. His blue eyes were dull and dry, his mouth closed and resigned. 

Both of the soldier’s arms were heavily cut, blood pouring out of them.

It is that last observation that made the genius come out of his state of shock. 

“What the hell Steve ?!” He roared, running to the man and putting his hands over the deepest cut. 

Steve struggled, trying to free his arm. “No, no leave me alone. I’m doing it for you, for everyone. It’s okay Bruce, don’t feel like you have to save me. You could just leave, close the door behind yourself, and pretend you never saw.. You..” Steve had to take a break. He was exhausted. “You wanted me to do this, I don’t understand.”

 

“What. What ? I never wanted you to do this ! What the fuck Steve !”

“Why do you want me alive ?” Wondered Steve. He really seemed confused.

“Because you’re part of the team.” Replied Bruce immediately. Had someone hexed the captain ? 

The man couldn’t possibly believe Bruce wanted him dead… Right ?

“No, no.” Steve paused, swallowing with difficulty. “You told me to fix it. I am.” He closed his eyes and breathed; not opening them again. “Fixing it.”

“No you’re not !”

The blue eyed supersoldier opened his eyes, a weird light shining behind them. “Yes I am ! I hurt people. I am a danger. You hate me. You all hate me. I’d rather be dead and know that I am not hurting the ones I love anymore.” Steve closed his eyes again. “I just want you to let me go. To let me.. Die. Am I asking for too much, Bruce ?”

Bruce looked at the broken man before him. 

How could they have come to this ? How could they do something so cruel to a member of their team ? Of their family ? All of this out of anger ? 

This was never supposed to go like this. They were never supposed to be so blind. They were supposed to look after each other. 

Tears filled Bruce’s soft brown eyes. 

The pain and guilt blooming in his chest were overwhelming. 

He put a bloody hand -tainted with the blood of the one he no longer had the right to call his friend- under the blond’s chin.

“Look at me” He asked, voice strangled with barely contained sobs.

Blue eyes settled on him and widened in surprise.

“Tell me” Bruce said painfully around the lump in his throat. “Do you think I would react like this, if I truly hated you ?”

Steve’s eyes went from numbness to confusion, to mefiance.

“Steve” Sobbed Bruce. “You have to let me save you. Please.”

The doctor was going to save the supersoldier anyway, but if Steve accepted to be saved, then he wouldn’t try again right after waking up. He would let Bruce take care of him. 

The blond kept looking deep into his eyes, searching for a trick, a lie.  
Bruce let the tears escape and roll on his cheek, not even bothering to wipe them. 

“Don’t cry” Steve eventually let out. “I’ll let you fix me. But you will not tell anyone” 

Bruce opened his mouth to protest but Steve kept going. 

“You will not tell anyone, because if someone else learns about this, then I will do it again, but this time, I’ll make sure no one finds me.”

Bruce closed his eyes. He had no other choice. 

“Deal.” He said, before running to the bandages kept next to Steve’s hospital bed and starting to take care of the supersoldier.

It was two hours later, when Bruce had cleaned Steve, the room, and himself, that the genius allowed himself to sit in the chair next to Steve’s hospital bed. He was exhausted. They were both exhausted. And it was a miracle that no one had came in.

Or maybe it wasn’t, since the only one who had taken any interest in Steve apart from Bruce was Clint, and the bowman was god knows where.

The man was staring at him silently, confusion and mefiance still clear on his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You used to talk more” Remarked Bruce quietly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You used to listen more” Whispered Steve sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hum.
> 
> I hope no one is crying too much. Or too angry coz I messed up. It kinda makes me feel weird to know that so many people read this. I have over 80 subscribers to this story, and we're approaching the 6000 hits. I just wanted to say thank you ! So you get a huge chap. With lots of angst. Coz you love that. 
> 
> I experienced a little in this chapter, losing Steve in his mind in a weird way. I'm not sure what I did, it just looks like the dreams I get sometimes. I have freaking weird dreams, if you ask I'll tell you some :D
> 
> Also, do not hope too much. Only Bruce is going to be a little nicer to Steve, and all this is sadly not going to last.
> 
> This was one of the worst points of the story, and this is about as violent as it's gonna get. I consider suicide more violent than sacrifice battle and murder by the way so everything's not over yet kids ^^
> 
> next chapter will be set months later.
> 
> But i'm not sure yet. so it could be minutes later. what's sure is that bucky isn't awake yet. Oh I should... shit i got a problem right there i need bucky not awake but i also need bucky awake. 
> 
> Well tell what you prefer in the comments bellow, and what you think will happen after this.
> 
> I'd like to tell you all that Bruce is going to keep his promise and not tell anything to anyone :D Now you can try and imagine what I prepared for them next x)


	20. And the Apple Fell Off the Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce tries to help Steve. Steve doesn't want him to. The team minus two makes cookies. A secret is more or less unintentionally revealed. An octopus attacks the city. Bucky recieves a very unexpected but missed visitor. All in all, a normal day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hum... Hi...? Long time no see ? I'm sorry ?  
> These past few months have been CRAZY on me in my defense....  
> Also, yes, I plan on updating this more often, so don't be scared to read, please don't abandon me I worked hard for this ^^"  
> It's four am where I live (France) but I really really wanna publish this TONIGHT so here you go everyone !

> And when you go away  
>  I still see you  
>  The sunlight on your face in the rearview
> 
> Sun sets, I want to hear your voice  
>  A love that nobody could destroy
> 
> -Cigarettes After Sex, Sunsetz

“Captain Rogers.”

 

“Captain Rogers.” 

 

Steve opened his eyes slowly. 

“Yes, Jarvis ?”

 

“Doctor Banner wishes you would join him for breakfast.”

“But I’m sleeping” Replied Steve in a monotone voice. He didn’t want to go, but he knew he had to. Bruce never gave up. 

It had been a little more than two months since the events in the hospital, and since then the physicist had decided that they would at least take one meal a day together, just the two of them. 

Bruce would also ask him if he wanted to spend an evening or an afternoon with him once a week. They would play cards, talk, watch movies, order something or cook together. 

Steve would have found it really nice and touching. Really, he would have. If he was able to feel anything. 

And if he believed Bruce was sincere. 

But how could he ever believe that the genius was not pretending when the man had only became friendly when he had understood that Steve would die if he didn’t ? 

On top of that, Bucky still hadn’t woken up, except from a change of heartbeat from time to time. The other Avengers still avoided Steve like the plague, but at least Clint had stopped being cruel. Steve wondered why, but he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

 

“Doctor Banner is waiting.” Informed the AI before going silent.

Steve sighed.

 

\---------

 

Pancakes. How lovely. Steve tried to remember the heavenly taste of Bucky’s pancakes as he chewed on what, to him, had no taste at all. 

 

“So, what are you planning to do today, Steve ?”

“I don’t know.” Mumbled Steve.  
He swallowed and looked at Bruce, who seemed to enjoy his pancakes quite a lot. He had a bowl full of apple slices next to it, and when he noticed Steve looking, he pushed it closer to the blond. The soldier took a slice to be polite. 

“Maybe go back to sleep. Maybe draw.” He continued.

There was a silence, then the blond forced himself to add : “What about you ?”

“I’m planning to bake some cookies with the team, would you like to join us ?”

This whole thing felt so forced. Steve found it unbearable. He wanted to be left alone, but also craved for someone, something, anything, to finally end his loneliness. He busied himself by reducing his pancakes into crumbs.

“Steve.”

Steve looked away from his plate. He knew what was coming. “Yeah, Bruce ?”

“I care about you. And even if you don’t believe it, they care about you.”

Steve laughed bitterly. “They sure as hell don’t show it.”

Bruce opened his mouth but he kept going. “No. I’m not done yet. They sure as hell don’t show it, because I don’t fucking deserve it, Bruce. And what you’ve been doing for the past two months, you did it out of pity, so stop lying to me. Stop lying and tell me you care, stop saying that THEY care because that’s just ridiculous !” 

“Steve…”

“No let me finish ! I’m not asking you all to care for real, because I don’t want you to, and you won’t anyway ! I hurt Tony. I hurt Bucky. Hell, who knows if Bucky will wake up one day ? Maybe I fucking killed him.” Steve’s voice broke. 

“Steve, you know that’s not true, stop blaming yourself…”

“What, stop blaming myself like you all blamed me ? Why would I stop ?! It’s my fault and you know it ! I’m a fucking bully !!”

Steve didn’t stay around to hear Bruce’s answer.

\----------------------------------

A half dream state. 

That’s how Bucky would describe his coma, if he could communicate. 

He could hear people around him, and the steady, regular beeps of his heart monitor. Sometimes he drifted off and lost himself in his thoughts, seeing flashes of his past and of what could be. Time seemed to fly as if in a different dimension, both so fast and so slow. 

Thor and Tony were the ones who visited him the most. Thor would sit next to him, hold his hand gently, and tell him stories about Loki, sometimes imagining out loud how it would go if he took Bucky with him to visit Asgard. 

“Loki would love you, I am sure of it, brother. He always dreamed of having a little brother to protect, even though he would never admit it.”

Bucky wanted to smile at this. This Loki sounded like a great guy. 

One day, Bucky doesn’t truly know when, Clint had come in during one of Thor’s stories. At first, the super soldier hadn’t known who it was, because the archer had stayed silent. Then, at the end of his story, Thor had greeted him.

“You know, you shouldn’t be telling such stories to Bucky. Because if he can hear you, then he will believe that it is safe to be around Loki.”

“It is safe to be around my beloved brother, Clint.”

“For you maybe, but not for us, humans. I would know, with what he did to me !”

“Loki was not himself when those events occured, brother Barton.”

“Are you sure of that ?”

Only silence answered.

“That’s what I thought.”

“Goodbye, Bucky.” Had whispered the god of thunder softly before leaving. “Come back to us soon, brother.” 

As soon as the door closed Clint had instantly jumped on Bucky’s bed, sitting near his chest.

“Hi Bucky, hi soldier if you’re in here too. Just so you know, Loki isn’t what Thor says. Loki’s evil. He made me… He… He mind controls people like us. Makes us turn against our friends, and kill people on our side. He seems like a great guy yeah, but he’s the god of mischief, don’t forget that. Now I don’t know if you hear me, I hope you do, because that’d mean your mind is alive in there,...”

Bucky had long since stopped trying to talk, but he always mentally replied to his friends, because that was the closest thing to a conversation he could get. However this time he didn’t feel like replying. The new information about Loki bothered him, yeah, but it was not him who was bothered by this information the most. It was the Winter Soldier, who had been completely silent since the coma. 

‘Do not let us go near Loki, Bucky. He is dangerous.’

‘Thor said he is a nice guy, though. We can’t just decide who tells the truth between him and Clint.’

‘I already decided who I am trusting. Clint is nice to the Asset. Doesn’t hurt. Says I do a good job.” 

‘You say ‘I’ now ?’ Questioned Bucky, surprised.

The soldier never answered, and Clint left. 

Tony was his favorite visitor. He wouldn’t do much, except sit by the window and work, muttering to himself as he did so.  
Sometimes, after a battle, he would come in and tell him how it went.  
The inventor’s voice was always low, a kind of quietness and vulnerability that Bucky had never heard before. It felt so intimate to be able to hear him, and to know exactly the kind of affection the Stark had for him… Bucky both felt like he shouldn’t be hearing any of it and like his chest would explode with warmth. He felt special. 

Natasha and Bruce would visit him from time to time, too. Natasha would read to him in russian, and Bruce usually simply said hi and checked his vitals, except for today. Today, the genius stayed for a while longer, and talked about.. Steve. Bucky missed Steve. The blond never came to visit him. 

“Steve would hate me if he knew that I am telling you this, but I don’t think you can hear me anyway.”

So Steve and Bruce got closer again ? Good. Steve doesn’t deserve to be hated by the whole team like this. Not for so long. He probably understood his mistakes and felt sorry for them a long while ago. 

“He… He tried to kill himself.”

Bucky’s heart missed a beat, causing the monitor to beep louder for a second. 

“... Bucky ? Can you hear me ?”

For the first time in what felt to him like an eternity, Bucky tried to struggle against his coma. Steve needed him. Steve. His Steve. His punk tried to kill himself. 

Bruce sighed and laughed sadly. “No, of course you can’t. You’re in a coma.”

‘YES ! YES I CAN HEAR YOU ! I WANT TO FUCKING WAKE UP ! LET ME WAKE UP !’ 

“Truth is… Even if I spent the last two months trying to get him to socialize, to connect, to understand that I care about him… I don’t know if I can do it. He doesn’t seem to react to anything. He is either numb or full of pain and anger, and in both cases whatever I say just doesn’t seem to… Reach him at all.”

Silence. Bucky felt like crying, sobbing loudly. Screaming at the world that he’s sorry, so sorry to have let Steve, his best friend, his love, come to feel so utterly alone and broken. But nothing came, and no matter how much he tried to, he didn’t move, didn’t make a sound. 

“I try to include him in team activities, but he always finds a way out of it. He doesn’t even try to make any excuses, he… Oh Bucky, I don’t think our Steve is there at all, not anymore. It’s like… It’s like he died. Like we killed him. Or maybe he killed himself. No, that’s not it. We… We made him kill himself.”

Bruce let out a soft, quiet sob. “How did it come to this, Bucky ?”

All Bucky could do was mentally scream as the Winter Soldier roared like a caged tiger. 

 

\-----------------------------

Bruce was so lost in thought that he did not notice Clint stepping into the elevator.

“I take it you paid a visit to Barnes ? Is he alright ?” Asked the archer after the door closed.

He jumped and stared at the bowman. “I… Yeah. He’s fine.”

“You don’t look like he’s fine. You look worried. Don’t bullshit me Bruce, I’d rather you tell me the truth, even if it’s not a easy one to hear.”

“Bucky’s fine. It’s not him I’m worried about, Clint.”

“Who’s it then ? Tony ? Steve ? I hope you’re not worried about Natasha ‘cause that’d be ridiculous, you know that mission Fury sent her on is like a vacation for her. She’s supposed to come back in like, half an hour anyway.” 

Bruce didn’t answer, and Clint looked at his phone. “Yup, she just sent a text, she’ll be there in less than an hour ! When do we start making cookies by the way ? Because now they sure as hell won’t be ready for when Natasha arrives… Maybe we can wait for her to get here and bake them with her, they’ll taste even better !”

Bruce sighed. “Clint, you’re really like an excited puppy sometimes.”

Clint gave him a smile, wide and proud. “I know !”

\---------------------------

Half an hour later, Natasha stepped onto the communal floor, exhausted from her mission. It had been an easy, but tiring one. A quick look around the room informed her that Thor, Bruce, Clint had been waiting for her. She opened her mouth to say hi, but a crash coming from the kitchen interrupted her.

“Shit ! That’s why you all shouldn’t make me bake cookies ! I suck at cooking !”

“Language, Tony !” Called Bruce, amused. 

“Yes, Ste-Bruce…” Replied the inventor in a fake annoyed tone. 

Everyone heard the name that the inventor almost pronounced, but no one commented on it. Natasha, however, noted how Bruce tensed.

“Wasn’t Steve supposed to join us ?” She asked the genius softly. It seemed like the subject of the captain was even sorer than usual. 

“He was… But, well… You know how he is these days.”

It was more like, these past few months, and they both knew it, but neither of them really wanted to acknowledge it. The redhead sat beside him on the couch, and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I know. Why do you seem so troubled, Bruce ?”

The messy haired scientist lifted his head and looked her in the eye. She was taken aback by the amount of fear and pain she could see, no, feel, in them. 

“What if Bucky never wakes up, Nat ? What if Steve loses him ? What if we lose Steve too as a result ? Because I don’t think…” Bruce’s voice lowered to a whisper. “I don’t think Steve’s willing to survive without him.”

 

Behind them, Thor silently turned away and went back to the kitchen. It seemed he had surprised a conversation not meant for his ears. 

The five of them made cookies together, and it was an amazing experience, at first, and then, inevitably, the kitchen apocalypse. 

“No Clint, do not add so many chocolate chips !”

“There is no such thing as too many chocolate chips in a cookie, Bruce !”

“Brother of Iron, I believe there is smoke coming from the oven..”

“Ah don’t worry big guy, that’s just the cookies burn… WAIT WHO FORGOT THE COOKIES !?”

“THAT WAS YOUR JOB STARK !”

“No Katniss, it was Nat’s !”

“Tasha ?” All heads had turned towards the redhead, who seemed lost in thought. How unusual, coming from the Black Widow.  
“Natasha, you with us ?”

She seemed to notice she was being watched, though, because he snapped back to reality and stared at Clint, who had called her name twice already. 

It took only a second for the super spy to slip her mask back on.

“Uh ? Yes, sorry. I was just thinking.”

Thor, Bruce and Tony knew not to push and risk to anger the potentially very scary woman in front of them, but Clint Barton knows no such fear. 

“Thinking about what ? Oh, we burnt the cookies by the way.”

“Nothing much. And yes, the smell makes that pretty obvious, Clint.”

The men frowned. What was on Natasha’s mind didn’t seem like ‘nothing much’ at all. She had looked very worried, actually. 

Clint was about to push a little more, ask another question about what was bothering his best friend so much that she, of all people, had stopped paying attention to her surroundings, when the Avengers Alarm went off. 

They all put themselves into motion, running towards their equipments and weapons as Jarvis briefed them on the situation. 

“There is a giant octopus-like being causing level 8 damage in Brooklyn. The robots from the previous two attacks are back but have been enhanced : they are faster and stronger. I suggest not to destroy them at short distance, as they explode after deactivation.”

“Understood, J’. Now where’s Cap’ ?” Asked Iron Man as he flew towards the giant octopus, which was currently destroying building after building. 

“I believe Captain Rogers is already on the battlefield, sir.”

 

\-------------------------

An hour earlier, Steve was pacing in front of a hospital room in SHIELD medical, tormented.

He wanted to run in, hug his friend, tell him everything, beg him to wake up, come back to him, apologize to him forever and more. But he knew he had no right to even lay his eyes on his motionless ex-lover, let alone speak to him, even though the man probably wouldn’t be able to hear him. 

Bucky’s voice echoed from a place far away in his head. “I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.”  
“That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I’m following him.”  
And then the voice of a long dead wise man : “You must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are.”

Steve clenched his fists. He had to come in. He could bear it anymore. He missed Bucky too much. His former lover would never know he visited him anyway.

He stepped through the open door.

The room smelled just like his childhood, but this time the roles were reversed. 

It was truly breathtaking, to see Bucky like that. He looked like a male version of Snow White after she bit the apple. His face was completely free of any tension, as if he was peacefully dreaming of a place far away from their messy, oh so painful, reality. 

He sat on the empty chair by the bed. 

 

“I was your apple, wasn’t I ?” He murmured.

Bucky’s heartbeat stuttered. Steve tensed, grabbing his childhood friend’s hand. “Bucky ? Are you waking up ?”

The hand didn’t move. He sighed. “No. Of course not. Why would I, of all people, make you wake up, uh ?”

Bucky’s lips were dark pink, almost red.They looked bloody on his pale skin - paler than usual - Steve noted. 

“Maybe I would have been enough, before… Before all this.”

He remembered kissing those lips. He knew their taste by heart, knew how soft they were, how good they looked when Bucky smiled that teasing smile of his. 

“I fucked up, Bucky. Messed up so bad. I don’t think I can fix this. Bruce won’t even let me k-kill myself. I need to end this, Bucky. I can’t take it anymore. Even you don’t want me in your life anymore. How can I ever live with that ? What purpose do I have ? That of a soldier ? There are so many enhanced people out there now, no one needs Captain America anymore.”

Bucky’s hair was as dark as ever. It looked soft. Steve hesitated, then carefully extended a hand and started caressing it. 

“Just as soft as in my memories…” He sighed. He did not feel as conflicted as before. “Remember when we used to climb in that apple tree ? I was always the one who climbed the highest, somehow. Maybe because I a bit too reckless..?” He laughed. “Okay, way too reckless, and that never changed.” Steve caressed the back of his love’s hand with his thumb. “Although we did change a lot, didn’t we ? I guess some things always stay the same. You’ll always be a jerk, and I’ll always be a stupid punk.”

Somehow, while he slowly ran his hand through Bucky’s hair as memories of the 40s danced in his mind, the solution appeared to him, loud and clear. 

“Oh.” He let out, a strange sort of relief washing through him as he understood what he had to do. “I know, now. Thank you Bucky.”

Steve stood up, feeling his throat tighten. The choice he had just made resembled the one that led him there in nothing : it was not hard at all, and was made for others, not himself ; but it did not mean that it was less painful. 

He gently cupped Bucky’s cheek, and kissed his forehead slowly, closing his eyes. Taking his time. A tear rolled down his cheek.  
Then another.

 

“I love you, Bucky. You better wake up, jerk." He confessed, and left. "Goodbye.”

 

 

Farewells always hurt like hell, after all.

 

.  
.  
.

> And I meant  
>  Every word I said  
>  When I said that I love you  
>  I meant that I'll love you forever 
> 
> And I'm gonna keep on loving you  
>  Because it's the only thing I wanna do  
>  I don't wanna sleep  
>  I just wanna keep on loving you
> 
> -Cigarettes After Sex, Keep On Loving You

.  
.  
. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the song lyrics at the beginning and end of this chapter, you will notice that I was in a big Cigarettes After Sex mood tonight ^^"  
> Now you maaaayyy have also read the text between those song lyrics.... And... Let me say... I'm almost sorry ? I mean I had to reread my whole fanfic yesterday so I wouldn't write nonsense today, and I almost cried at my own words, and literally cried from the angst and pain... I was like "When will the author update this !!! Oh wait." So yeah, I guess that at least, you readers get the satisfaction of knowing that I suffered too. At least twice : when I imagined the story, and when I had to reread it XD
> 
> I haven't even written "Chapter 21" On my google doc, but hey, I have a plan for it anyway !  
> So the plan is, write the fight agains the octopus, and somehow, a wild HYDRA appears ! Pikachu, go !  
> Oh no ! Winter is paralyzed ! Oh no, HYDRA stole all your pokemons except pikachu ! What will Pikachu do now ? Oh what are you saying, go to the pikachu realm and seek help from his father ? Okay sounds like a cool plan !
> 
> PS : please do not kill me if you see any plot hole in here, just kindly point it out, because I just most likely genuinely forgot and will rewrite everything again as soon as you tell me !
> 
> PPS : and do not hate on me for Cap's farewell, you don't even know what's gonna happen yet ! x)) Hate one me later, children, when you will have truly suffered x) *drinks tea made of your tears*
> 
> ALSO PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO COMMENT, WHAT MOTIVATED ME TO KEEP WRITING CHAP 20 WERE ALL THE KIND AND AMAZING COMMENTS I RECIEVED ON ALL THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS !!! <3<3<3<3  
> And to all my regular commenters, I love you all so much, and can't wait for your comment ! I'm so excited to read what you thought of this chapter !!! <3<3<3<3<3<3

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think ? Did that make you want to read what happens next or is it boring ? Tell me what you think in the comments, constructive criticism is welcome since it helps me grow as a writer ^^
> 
> (my tumblr : zeyrablue)


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